Three Phases of Growth that Lead to Happiness

 
Why does developing and sharing our talents leads us to happiness?  This weeks story is of a boy who desperately wanted to be a pilot, but had to earn $88,000 by himself.  This story illustrates how the best of psychology and the best of spirituality can help you achieve your dreams and go from good, to better, to best!  At the root of this exploration, you will find that the word that best describes this reaction is growth.

Transcript

One of the six strengths that happy people have in common is growth. What does growth mean? I believe that God has given you talents, and He has a work for you. He wants you to be engaged in a good cause. For some that work is their career, for others it’s a side gig or hobby, a forte or volunteer work. Irregardless of how it manifests, growth is the lifelong pursuit of:

1 Discovering your talents, 

2 Developing your talents and 

3 Sharing your talents with others to make the world a better place. In today's world we call this process of growing our talents our passion in life.  

 David Sarokin said, “Passion is what gives you boundless energy, intense almost single-minded focus and the willpower to overcome even the most daunting obstacles.” (Sarokin, D. “How to Define Your Passion in Life” CHRON 10/09/20 https://work.chron.com/define-passion-life-10132.html)

  I’m a little different than most counselors. My masters is in counseling, but my doctorate degree is in business management, and I pursued that degree so I could help people with career counseling. Now to be a competent excellent career counselor, you can’t just sit in an office doing counseling. You have to understand the world of work by experiencing it. So, I’ve dabbled in many fields, in education and the corporate world, and I own a couple businesses. I even spent a summer sweating, slinging bags on the ramp at the Denver airport. But, one of my biggest loves in life is to help people finding, developing, and sharing a career so they can experience moments of boundless energy and intense focus. 

In order to have true happiness, we all need help with these three things all through our life, this constant process of discovery, development and sharing our talents. However, this podcast is a focus on #2, developing your talents, and today we’re going to talk about overcoming obstacles. 

 I don’t know anyone who faced more obstacles than my husband, Jerry McMillan. There was a crucial moment, just as he was retiring, when I realized if we didn’t save his experiences, they would fade, and we’d lose their brightness. So I followed him around in his airplane hangar with my phone and recorded the story of his growth in becoming a commercial pilot. So I’m going to tell you in his words:

“When I was young, my dad, an air traffic controller, exposed me to the wonder of airshows. I imagined what it would be like to go straight up, straight down, and upside down in the loops. Then I saw four big, fast, loud thunderbirds in their tight formation execute a barrel roll. In another maneuver, two single thunderbirds crossed in front of the crowd, and almost appeared to collide. I imagined myself in every one of those aircraft.

“When I reached age nine, my dad’s friend offered to take me up in his small plane. I was quite enthusiastic about the take off. I watched the wheels, we went faster and faster, then there was a moment when the tires left the ground. My stomach moved up into my heart, and I was in the sky!

“A huge smile spread over my face as dopamine coursed through my veins. The glorious mountain tops appeared much closer. I saw my school and baseball diamond far below. I noticed that our darn dog was loose and misbehaving in the backyard. The plane had no air conditioning so it was hot and dusty. The wind buffeted us as I bounced up and down, left and right. I guess that would bother some people. Not me. I was hooked. Leonardo Da Vinci perfectly described me when he said, ‘Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.’ I decided then and there I would pursue flying as a career.

“But in today’s dollars it costs about $88,000 to become a commercial pilot. My mom and dad had a family to raise. If it was to be, it was up to me.

“I was so passionate about flying I consumed every airplane book on the 629.4 shelf of the school library.

“At 14, I set a goal to save enough for one flying lesson. I got a job as the evening custodian at an elementary school, and I was tasked with emptying the trash, mopping the tile, cleaning the bathroom, and vacuuming the hallway for six classrooms.  If I didn’t get it done on Friday, I’d have to go in on Saturday. I earned $44.07 each month from this humbling job. I paid $4.00 which was my 10% donation to church and put $40.00 in the bank for flying lessons. With the remaining seven cents, I could buy my big treat: a mellow mint and three licorices. 

“During my second lesson, my instructor commented on how I learned so quickly. I told him about the library books and said, ‘I’ve flown all over the Salt Lake Valley since I was ten years old in my chair. One of the older books had incorrect information about rudder use, but no problem, I figured it out and practiced it correctly.’ 

“I watched my friends buy music and cars and go skiing and take girls out on dates. To fly with an instructor was 32 dollars an hour, and I needed at least 40 hours, so I couldn’t afford any of those things. Earning the money was truly a  whopper of an obstacle. 

“At 17, I meticulously washed and detailed planes at the SLC private airport. I did an incredibly thorough job because I basically worshiped airplanes. It was a sin to let them get dirty. 

“Finally, as a senior in high school, I got my private pilot’s license. After that, I needed hours in the air to build my flight time and move on to the next license. I could rent a plane and use this as an opportunity to finally take someone out on a date. I asked Tracy Hogan if she’d go flying with me. I was thrilled at her awestruck face as we left the ground and pointed out her home far below. Finally, flying yielded a social benefit: I was impressing the women.

“I was worried that if I went on a two-year mission for my church, it would delay building flight time, and I might not get hired by a commercial airline. But I prayed and knew I had to put God first and leave my dream of commercial flying up to him. While I served in London, England, I fell behind everyone else my age, and I talked myself out of a pilot’s life. The stress of an absent husband and father might harm my wife and kids. I heard from others that beautiful crew members throw themselves at pilots and worried about the constant temptation to cheat. I wanted a lifestyle conducive to following the Savior. 

“However, once home and reporting on my mission to the local governing body of my church, one of the men just happened to be a United Airlines pilot. He convinced me that I could both yield my heart to God and be a pilot. That was clearly the Lord’s help.

“A year later my wife Lisa and I struggled to put each other through college. We lived in a trailer park. I earned so little as a flight instructor that we were too destitute to get the leaky roof fixed. The three repairs I’d done refused to hold up in the rain. Our big outing of the week consisted of grocery shopping. We budgeted to the penny in order to purchase necessities. The dream career of a pilot was really rough on us. I wondered, am I doing the right thing?

  “I was able to get my commercial instrument license and a job flying charters out of eastern Utah. We had no health insurance, no vacation pay, and no ice cream or cookies for many years. And I really love cookies. I have a sign on my desk, ‘Today I will live in the moment, unless it is unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.’ It was such a grim and unpleasant time. Would I ever make it as an airline pilot? Should I just quit and get a job that pays? 

“I needed more than three thousand hours of flight time before I could apply at a major airline. I fell way behind other prospective pilots while I was on my two year mission. Pilots from the military were accumulating hours and getting hired at the airlines as young as age 26. 

“Then, at 23 I snagged a job flying bank checks from Salt Lake to Rock Springs.    Once in a minus 4-degree Wyoming winter, I saw an industrial steam plume and I thought, ‘Wonder what it would be like to fly through that?’  My windshield iced up all except for a small space. If I strained, I could see out a little bit. I was forced to land with extremely limited visibility. I felt embarrassed for the tower to see my dangerous iced-up windshield. So, I taxied around to the back and climbed out to scrape off the ice with my only credit card. It had a $300.00 limit. 

“Then, something really terrible happened to my career. The chief pilot in Salt Lake decided to hire his friends and let me go. I discovered the airlines were furloughing and nobody was hiring in 1979. So, I had to compete against lots of qualified pilots who were also laid off. It was stressful and frustrating. Many of my pilot friends couldn’t get their flying hours, couldn’t provide a living for their families and gave up. 

 “I was 25, unemployed and needed flight hours and a degree. This felt like the rock bottom. 

“I did what I call ‘fasting,’ and I went without food and water for two meals and earnestly prayed and I implored, ‘Heavenly Father, what do I do?’ I got the impression to check around the country for aviation colleges that had four-year degrees. I needed a small airline near the college so when I finished, I could compete against the other pilots who had degrees. In Killeen, Central Texas University had Rio Airways headquartered nearby. I worked for the college as a flight instructor, and, as I neared graduation, I heard Rio was hiring. It looked like my plan was going to work. I really got my hopes up and prayed like crazy I’d get hired. I dropped a resume by the office, but no one was there.

“I called and left a message saying, ‘Did you get my resume?’ 

“I called the next day. ‘Hey, did you get my resume?’ 

“I called the third day, and left another message.

“The chief pilot called me and said, ‘Stop bothering us! Go away. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.’

“I was crushed. Now, I had no idea what to do. I just wanted to fly and provide for my family. It wasn’t going well. My dad saw how my wife and I struggled, and he encouraged me to get the training to become an air traffic controller. It was good pay with benefits, it was steady, it was secure.  I was really tempted. But that just felt like giving up on my dream.

“I applied to Chaparral airlines in Abilene, TX, but they weren’t hiring for three months. So while I was unemployed, I decided to go to Atlanta, Georgia and take a four week class for a 727 flight engineer license. I borrowed $3100.00 from my dad and stayed with a cousin. 

“At Chaparral I gained flying experience. I kept applying at the major airlines every month. They said, don’t send anything unless you’ve had major changes. I didn’t care. For two years I submitted my monthly applications.

“Eventually, I received a raise and was making a whopping $850 a month. Even with this raise, both my finances and my flying career languished in the doldrums. If only a major airline would hire me, I’d start making better money and accruing seniority. I kept applying, but they kept ignoring me. 

“Once at Chaparral, I was flying a Gulfstream turboprop out of Dallas. Just as we took off, someone said on the radio, “And it fell off right onto the runway.” Then they asked us if we needed any assistance, which meant, “Are you having an emergency?”

“We checked our instruments. Nothing unusual. 

“Then maintenance called, ‘Uh, your tire, your wheel and your brake assembly fell off at takeoff.’ They instructed, ‘Lower your landing gear and walk back into the cabin and take a look at what's left.’ Of course, as the co-pilot, that job fell to me. I decided to paint a calm expression on my face no matter what I saw. Passengers wondered, ‘Why the heck is the co-pilot, standing in the aisle, looking out the side window?’

        “The passenger near the window said, ‘Uh, there’s a wheel missing out there.’ 

“I considered the empty gap where the fourth tire should have been. I didn’t know if we’d have brakes when we landed. I looked at the panicked face of the passenger and calmly said, ‘Yup, it’s under control.’ 

“But I knew this was far from under control and might be dicey. What if we hit the runway, and the landing gear sheared off, we dragged to the side, and the engine caught fire? I thought about all the mothers and fathers on that plane who were counting on me to get them home to raise their kids. I couldn’t allow my mind to go to that place of panic. I focused on landing the plane safely.  

“At the Abilene airport, all the maintenance and fire trucks lined the runway waiting for a disaster. A mixture of curiosity, and dread filled the faces of the employees, executives, and ramp workers out on the tarmac to watch us land -- if we could. Those hosers just wanted the thrill of the drama. 

“We were trained and retrained to handle emergencies and be cool-headed. That’s really a great thing about our pilot instruction. Like Sully landing his jet on the Hudson River after birds hit both engines, you are nervous until you start focusing on the procedures for the landing. I composed myself as the routine set in.

“The captain was able to touch down on the good side with two tires and thank goodness those had brakes. We just lightly rested on the bad side. 

“After we landed, I pedaled my bike home, and that’s when I had a moment to let the terror flood my soul and agonize about all the dreadful things that could have happened. 

“After two years, United Airlines finally called, ‘Can you be in class on May 15?’ I excitedly made my way to training, but it was the first day of the pilot strike. I couldn’t cross the picket line to go to class. So close and yet, another huge obstacle. If I did cross, I’d gain seniority, but the other pilots would resent me my whole career. Caught in a power struggle, waiting and discouraged. I chose not to work for United because I didn’t want to stab the other pilots in the back.

“While I was waiting for the strike to end, I kept applying at other airlines. On August 2nd, I’d flown until midnight and was sleeping in. At 8:35 in the morning, I got a call from American Airlines. They said, ‘Can you be in Dallas to start class this morning?’ 

“I said, ‘I’ll be there in 2 hours.’ I moved up 48 numbers in seniority because I was able to get there in 2 hours and 12 minutes. I was 29 years old when American Airlines hired me. We were able to afford a second car, so no more riding my bike to work in my pilot suit.   

“Once hired at American, I still ranked near the bottom. Because I lacked seniority, I was forced to accept the least popular,most miserable schedules. I had to fly most weekends, and holidays. At least my two kids were so young when we’d have Christmas two days late, they didn’t know the difference.

“The international overnight flights created a bone-weariness from which I could not seem to recover. Once on a 13-hour flight from Germany, my third trip in 10 days, I looked so exhausted that when I went to take my two-hour nap break, the other two pilots were sympathetic and just let me sleep. I will never forget that kind gesture.

“There are hard times at American, like days of bad weather when the runway is all ice. Or, when there are mechanical problems. Or, both weather and mechanical. I remember this incredibly miserable day, probably one of my worst. The co-pilot and I sat down, adjusted the seats, the headsets, put the numbers in the computer, and as we executed the checklist, we discovered a mechanical issue. It took 20 minutes for maintenance in Dallas to appear and another 30 minutes to decide they could not repair the plane. Now we were delayed. On the overhead com, I apologized sincerely to the frustrated passengers. Sometimes I can be downright hilarious when I give announcements. I wanted to say, ‘It's better to be on the ground wishing you were in the air than in the air wishing you were on the ground.’ But, this was not one of those times. So, American  Airlines located another jet. I shut down the first jet, the passengers moved over, then in the second plane, my co-pilot and I adjusted the seats, the headsets, put the numbers in the computer and as we did the checklist, we found another mechanical issue. Now we are two hours delayed. It’s heartbreaking to know that people have missed their connections and their appointments. I’m apologizing profusely, stating that what we do, we do to keep them safe and alive, but it falls on angry ears because they are just so aggravated. So, we shut down the second jet, and they found us a third plane, and we did all the procedures for the third flight. We push out in a bad thunderstorm, and we hear from the tower that we must wait on the tarmac for the storm to pass. I get on the com and feeling like a failure of gigantic proportions, I apologize yet again. It’s taken most of the day just to try to leave the airport. One of the flight attendants would miss her son’s junior high school graduation. 

“It’s so tough to be in charge. The buck stops with me, it’s also hard to face the disappointed grouchy passengers as they disembark. Despite the fact that I tried my best, some absolutely despise me. 

“About 17 years into my career, Just when things were starting to get better, terrorists crashed two of our jets and one United jet into the Pentagon and the World Trade Center.  The economy plunged, and we all had to take a  27% pay cut to keep American Airlines in business. And I became a principal target for terrorists. Just talking about it I can feel a danger and fear response in my chest. That vulnerability spiked up my stress levels. 

 “Another obstacle to my success was my wife. I flew three or four days in a row. During those days my wife was a single mom. If she needed help, I was in Puerto Rico. It would be hard on any mother of two children. Nevertheless, some spouses are very supportive and learn to cope. But she couldn’t. I noticed she was overly harsh and critical of the kids, and very demeaning. Then I noticed she didn’t seem to be buying food for the kids. I didn’t know at the time she was suffering from mental health issues.

“I would come home and for four days straight I’d do lots of chores and comfort my wife. I’d go to the store and buy and cook food. I got good at making baked chicken and large bowls of salads to leave in the fridge for them to eat. But the kids said she’d throw out the food when I left.

“When I transferred to Texas she stayed in Arizona. She became a hermit, completely isolated in the house, and never came out. I held on to some hope that she’d pull herself together. But, I was incredibly lonely for twelve years. I called it my ‘marital purgatory.’ I wasn't really married, and I wasn’t single. Early in this problem, when I told God I was in pain and asked what I should do, He said, ‘Be patient.’

“This could have been a very large temptation: my absent wife, I was away from home, the crew contained attractive friendly women. The whole crew went on outings sometimes when we stayed overnight in a distant city. I liked the attention; they are beautiful fascinating people, and I’m a normal guy with testosterone, but I couldn’t break my marriage covenants..

“Through all the times of trial, poverty, terrible schedules, and then a wife with untreated mental illness, I remembered God said He would help me. As a teenager,  I was given a blessing by a man in our church called a patriarch, and it said, ‘Your desire to become a pilot is great, and the Lord will go with you… if you but serve Him and keep His commandments.’ He certainly supported me in the hard times. There were great times too.

“Serving people is a highlight of flying. If I get people from A to B so they can see their soldier graduate from boot camp or see their daughter married, it’s fulfilling, and I feel like I’m helping.

“During the hours of the flight, it’s fun to chat up the co-pilot. I often ask, ‘Why did you get into flying, what is wrong with you?’ One guy told me he enlisted in the Air Force to avoid the draft and the infantry in Vietnam. 

“An aspect of flying that rewards and excites is the fact that I get to control this huge powerful aircraft. I flew the 757 with 80,000 pounds of thrust per engine. Sometimes flying the 737, I’d turn to the co-pilot and say, ‘Hey, today, we have a light load and a really short runway, so, for “safety” (wink, wink) we should use maximum power when we take off.’

“Then I feel the thrill, the power of the engines, and a climb so steep my flight bag slides to the back of the cockpit. But technically American Airlines says we are not supposed to have that much fun (because they say it’s unprofessional).

“The beauty of God’s earth is another benefit of flying happiness. Flying from Los Angeles East, the sun was setting, the clouds below us turned brilliant hues. Nobody else can see this sight from their office. Sometimes, I see the aurora borealis from the air. Or once, taking off from San Francisco, the sun was just coming up over the bay, painting the entire landscape orange. It’s totally worth getting up at 4:30 am to see this.

“Another time flying out of Buenos Aires, the Andes, these massive, jagged intimidating mountains, were tinged a beautiful pink. I confess, ‘I have the best job in the world.’

“I’m at the top of the pay scale, a pilot on one of our biggest planes, number one in seniority, and I have my pick of the schedules. With consistent effort and the Lord’s help, I’ve been able to navigate and overcome the years of low pay, horrible schedules, and a wife who became a hermit. It’s taught me to work hard for my dreams but enjoy the process and the success. When I share my passion for flying, I enjoy it all the more. 

“For anyone who’s discouraged about developing their passion I would say, ‘Your life’s work, your good cause will take consistent effort. It will take much longer than you think. It will be much harder than you think. But it’s worth it. If your plan aligns with God’s grand design, He promises you’ll have the power to overcome your obstacles and accomplish your dreams.’”

And that’s the end of my husband’s story. And now for the analysis. Let's take the best of psychology. It's a psychological reality that happiness comes from growth. And the best of spirituality is that God’s work and glory is to encourage our growth and development and change and go from good to better to best. It makes Him happy and it makes us happy.

There are three phases of growth.  #1, Discovering his talents was an instant thing for Mac. At age 9 when the wheels left the ground in his first hot, bumpy flight, Mac’s body surged with dopamine and he was hooked, he was totally addicted to a natural high. I’ve seen this in other pilots. I chatted up a pilot in his 20’s who said he was just looking up in the sky and saw a 757 flying overhead and “bam.” He knew he would be a pilot and fly that beast. He was 5 years old.

However developing Mac’s talents, #2, seemed harder than most. Earning the money to get his license at age 17 was incredibly daunting. I remember when I met Mac in high school and we liked each other but we decided not to get exclusive because he was focused on his mission. What he didn’t say at the time was he had two missions, one was to England, the other, maybe more consuming in high school was his dream, his obsession with  flying. He didn’t have the time, money or mental bandwidth for a girlfriend. He was one focused guy. Well, I always joke that we didn't get together then because he was too flighty.

And with years of struggle, furloughs, and crap jobs, and low paymm and a wife who couldn’t support him, he had incredible odds, huge mountains to surmount on his way to becoming a commercial pilot. It’s inspiring to me to think about his determination and single mindedness. It makes me want to be more dedicated to my passion in life, which is trying to help people with depression and bringing light to those that sit in darkness. Wonder if one reason he was so successful was because it was so incredibly difficult?  

Mac told me about a pilot who got his training and hours quickly and easily and became an airline pilot at 22, he took the job for granted, he had a negative attitude, it was a pain to fly with him because complained all the time. The regulations were a bother, the people drove him crazy. My husband couldn’t understand it. Maybe things just came too easily. Does sacrifice make you value a thing more?  

The third part of growth is sharing your talents with others. I’d never really realized that happiness for a commercial pilot isn’t just the dopamine or the amazing things they get to see from their office window—it's helping people. It’s helping people stay safe. Mac told me that during a terrible storm everyone was stuck in the terminal, and he heard one passenger at the counter badgering the staff, yelling “I’ll just go over to Jet Blue. I bet they have the courage to fly out today.” And Mac who is usually calm and patient, the part of him that wants to keep people safe just snapped. Mac walked over to the man and said, “Look, we can fly today and we can all die, or we can fly tomorrow and live. Which do you want? And the gate agent’s mouth drops open. The co-pilot steered him away saying, “Come ‘on, we gotta get you outta here.” 

   He loves helping and protecting people so they can fly to their vacations, to their business meetings, to their mother’s bedside before she dies. Yep, sacrificing and sweating so we can share our talents is what happiness is all about.