Relationships Part 1: Climb From Good to Great

 What's the difference between a good parent and a great parent?  
For Father's day we examine times when you've been  good, and  times when you've been better and sometimes....when you're a great parent and using the best of psychology and spirituality we and analyze the difference.

Transcript

Parenting: Climb From Good to Great   Part 1

What makes a good Parent? Are there better parents? What does it take to be the best parent you can be? The answer to these questions lies in the six strengths of happy people. When I talk about parenting, I want you to think of  the six strengths not as a happiness ladder but as a big set of cement stairs. The first one we are going to discuss is charity.  

So this is part one or the foundation, the bottom step of these big cement stairs. And the foundation to parenting is charity or service to our children.  

As I’m recording this podcast, Father’s day is a few days away. And the purpose of this podcast is to help you think about all the many, many, good things you do to parent your children, to celebrate the gazillion things you do to give your kids appropriate attention and maybe inspire you to be better and do things a leeetle bit differently.

My husband and I built a house on several acres of flat farm land with not a single tree.  So last summer we got our grass and now we are finally ready to go to a tree farm. This year our budget was for two trees. We are with the landscape designer walking through the acres of trees to pick the front yard tree, and I just go crazy. Each tree is whispering to me pulling me towards it. Each feels like the soul of a friend. I can visualize their potential.There are so many varieties of beautiful trees. I can’t choose. I want to get lots of soil amendments and plant them all. I start to cry. What is it about trees?

Then I realized. Oh, it's because of my dad. When I was 14, my father built a house on flat farmland and whenever he’d bring home a tree, as the oldest of five children he’d invite me and only me to help him dig up the hard clay and make a hole big enough for the root ball. My dad was so fun to talk to because he was always reading. I loved that he’d discuss the ideas he read while we planted the trees. Because he talked about what was in his heart, I felt brave enough to tell him what was on my mind so we talked about my ideas and my problems. I thought I was serving him, planting those trees, but he was serving me. It was a magical time.  

When I was 15 he brought home a 6’ tall scotch pine. I had tried out for the cheer squad at school. I was good at the gymnastics part but so shy and completely clueless about the social intricacies of getting voted on, and I may have scored one vote. I felt utterly rejected and embarrassed and discouraged. I think I started sniffling and watering the tree while we're digging the hole. It felt like a safe place to dump all my pent up frustration. I was so nice that he didn’t say, “Oh this is what you need to do …. try to be more outgoing….you’ve got to talk to more people….” He didn’t  try and fix me, he just said he was so sorry. He said he didn’t know how to tell me to win at the popularity game, he told me how painfully shy he had been. He stopped and put his shovel in the dirt and said, “Oh, Tracy, I’m so sorry.” Then I dropped my shovel and ran off to have a good cry alone. 

 The next day my dad came home from work and handed me this black electrical thing and said, “Here, I bought this to cheer you up.” I looked at his gift. I was so surprised. This was 1973, and it was the first portable stereo I’d ever seen. Money was so tight with five kids all we ever ate was tuna casserole. I never had a piece of meat that wasn't cut into tiny pieces to make it stretch until I went to the restaurant before the Jr. Prom, and my date paid for a prime rib dinner. I had no idea what it was when I ordered it or how to cut it. I was overwhelmed by the extravagance of this little boom box.Then I realized my dad was too shy to know what to say, he was too shy to give me a hug, then I cried for a different reason. I knew my dad understood how bad I felt and he was trying to comfort me and it was so kind. That scotch pine grew to about 25 feet, and I grew up knowing that my dad was one of my best friends, because we spent time alone planting all those trees

Dallin H. Oaks explained why some time we spend with our kids is good. But when we spend time alone with our children it’s so much better. He explained that It’s easy to focus on group activities with our children: we watch soccer, baseball, dance, football, and take them camping. But, simple one-on-one time is better. Quote.

“A friend took his young family on a series of summer vacation trips, including visits to memorable historic sites. At the end of the summer, he asked his teenage son which of these good summer activities he enjoyed most. The father learned from the reply, and so did those he told of it. ‘The thing I liked best this summer,’ the boy replied, ‘was the night you and I laid on the lawn and looked at the stars and talked.’ Super family activities may be good for children, but they are not always better than one-on-one time with a loving parent.” (Oaks, D.H., Good, Better, Best, General Conference October 2007)

“The most important of the Lord’s work that you will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home.” (Lee, H.B., Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee, 2000, p. 134)

But I would like to change that to “The most important service you will ever do is the one-on-one walks, talks, playing catch, reading children’s stories, planting trees. Spending time alone with children shows you love them.  “The way kids spell love is t-i-m-e.”

In psychology, the way we spell love is “a-p-p-r-o-p-r-i-a-t-e  a-t-t-e-n-t-i-o-n.”

So now let's go to the best of psychology here in my podcast, the epitome of appropriate attention is “One-On-One Time.”  Psychology calls it quality time, time alone, connection time.  

So why serve your child by spending time alone with them? Jones (2017) found that children are less likely to have behavioral issues at home or at school. Children who are spending more quality time with their families are less likely to participate in risky behaviors such as drug and alcohol usage. (Jones, C. (2017). What are the benefits of spending quality time with your kids?)

But that time is not happening. A study of 2000 families showed that with jam-packed schedules for American families, the parents are spending only 37 minutes on weekdays with their children.  (Visit Anaheim Study)  

A study by Common Sense Media found that in 2021, average daily entertainment screen use was up to 8 hours and 39 minutes per day for teens. And 5 hours and 33 minutes for tweens.

One 2020 study published in the Journal of Happiness Studies shows that your kids turn to social media when they are lonely but engaging in social media makes them feel worse. They feel more isolated and lonelier. (Derrick Wirtz et al., “How and Why Social Media Affect Subjective Well-Being: Multi-Site Use and Social Comparison as Predictors of Change Across Time,” Journal of Happiness Studies, August 5, 2020).“We’re all prone to comparing ourselves to others but social media can heighten this tendency,” says Michael Torres, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “For example, you look at other people’s posts and think: ‘I should be doing that. I should be living that life. I should be that happy. I should have that body. I should have that kind of family. I should have that many friends.’”says Dr. Torres. “Nothing is better than an actual in-person engagement with a friend,” he explains. When you’re face to face, you can read body language, emotions, and energy better, which means more empathy and less comparison. (Torres, M. PsyD, Jan 2023 “Does Social Media Make You Feel Lonely?” 

I’ve done over 25 years of counseling with adults. In the first few moments with a new client, there’s a question I always ask. This question unearths the secrets of the soul. This question reveals the person’s ability to attach, their ability to love and be loved. The question is:

“If you fell deeply in love with someone in high school, and he or she chose someone else and broke your heart, who could you tell? Would it be your mom or your dad?”

What do you think my clients say?  

Some say, “I couldn’t talk to my dad.”

Sadly, some say, “I couldn’t talk to my mom or my dad. “

That is a pretty accurate assessment of a poor relationship. 

Sometimes my clients say something even more chilling: “I had no one to tell. I grew up with no one I could talk to.”

The problem with inability to talk to a parent is the inability to bond to that parent. I’m an attachment therapist, which means I believe that humans must attach to our mothers by age one and to our fathers by about age 18 months. God engineered us to bond. If our moms and our dads give us sufficient appropriate attention, we become securely attached. Then we carry that secure attachment style into our marriage. In other words, we bond to our spouse in the same way we learned to bond to our parents, but with sexual chemicals it could possibly be five to ten times stronger.

But roughly 40 percent of all people don’t get enough appropriate attention and they become avoidantly, or anxiously attached. And abused children develop disorganized attachment.

Avoidant attachment in adults is a dismissive and surface style of relationship. Picture someone who thinks they are better than everyone else. Avoidant individuals don’t rely on others for emotional support or closeness. Avoidantly attached people don’t indulge in emotions and can appear cold and heartless. They can be work-a-holics and avoid intimacy. They are uncomfortable opening up to others because they can’t trust. They can involve themselves in shallow relationships, sometimes shallow sexual relationships in order to avoid bonding with other human beings.

Anxious attachment in adults manifests by thinking highly of, sometimes even idealizing, others but thinking poorly of themselves. Anxiously attached adults often have low-self esteem and need constant reassurance that they are loved or good enough. Anxiously attached people might feel flooded, overwhelmed, and debilitated by their emotions and act clingy and dependent on others. Anxiously attached people can feel afraid of criticism or rejection. One client I had was so desperate for attention and connection that she texted her husband, who worked construction, 297 times in one day. If he couldn’t respond, she would start calling him.

Disorganized attachment frequently develops if a child suffers abuse. Adults with disorganized attachment are afraid to let anyone get close. They worry that they will be hurt again. Both disorganized and avoidant individuals fear intimacy, but in disorganized attachment, individuals crave closeness and love. 

Attachment researchers Moulin, Waldfogel, and Washbrook, found that “The rate of disorganized attachment, perhaps the highest-risk category, is 25 percent among low socio-economic status and teenage parent families, compared to 15 percent in the general population.” (Moulin, S., Waldfogel, J., Washbrook, E., 2014. Baby Bonds: Parenting, attachment and a secure base for children.  The Sutton Trust 21 March. https://www.suttontrust.com/our-research/baby-bonds-early-years/)

This is an estimate of the attachment style  percentages in the general population:

Secure attachment - 60% | Avoidant attachment -10%
Anxious attachment - 15% | Disorganized attachment - 15%

One day after a harrowing and emotional day of counseling, I realized I had just worked the entire week with clients who, when distressed, could not express negative emotions. As they grew up, they could not seek proximity to their parental units and expect to feel better. In other words, their parents were extremely broken or selfish or both. As I looked over my caseload, I was astonished to discover the extent of the injury and impairment. I decided that I could call my caseload at that time, the “Bad Dad’s Club.”

What makes a Bad Dad in my book? Simple. Dads (and moms) who don’t serve their children, they don’t have charity, they don’t give their children enough appropriate attention. Attention is not a do or don’t, black or white deal, It’s probably on a continuum. 

The Attention Continuum

Bad……  Not so Bad…… Neutral …… Good…… Better…… Best

You may be asking yourself, “Am I in the Bad Dad’s club? Where am I on the continuum?” Thankfully, most of us have the humility to ask, “Lord is it I?”  But let me reassure you, your efforts to bond with your child and be a better parent are effective.

When there is enough appropriate attention, and this happens about 60% of the time, a person can bond and securely attach. If you care enough about your relationships to read this book, you probably care enough to move yourself up a few notches on the right side of the continuum from wherever you are, towards the best..

So, you might wonder, why don’t people give enough appropriate attention to their kids? It sounds simple, right? If lots of good conversations, lots of emotional support, and spending quality time foster secure attachment, then what comprises less effective and even inappropriate attention? What’s on the negative side of the Bad Dad continuum? 

In counseling, my clients have processed some difficult experiences they had with their fathers.

Cellutosis. When I asked my question, “If you really adored someone in school and that person broke your heart, who could you go to?'' My 16-year-old client reported that she went to her father. She told him how she had secretly and desperately loved a boy at school named Jake for two long years, and how they hung out in the same friend group, and how she tried to hold his hand, and he pulled away and said, “Let’s keep it at friends.” Crushed, she sought solace from her father.

“My dad’s eyes were on his phone the whole time,” she reported. “When he finally looked up and saw I was crying, he said, ‘Go talk to your mom. I’m not good at this.’”

She said, “I can never go to him with my feelings. His eyes are always glued to his cell. He's too busy with work for me.”

I call this disease “Cellutosis.” This is a problem whereby otherwise smart people put their smartphone ahead of their family and thereby become really dumb. Eyes too often bonded to one’s mobile phone have sabotaged humans from bonding. My client described how her dad was a work-a-holic. She described how he seemed to avoid family communication, even on vacation, by focussing on his cell. Her dad sounded avoidantly attached to me, but he wasn’t my client.

Here’s an example of a good-dad connection time from my husband Mac:

“My dad became active in the church later in life. He wasn’t much of a scriptorian, wasn’t much of a talker, but he taught the four of us kids how to work outside and operate machines. He took us camping. He was our scout leader. He bought a boat, and we water-skied and fished. My dad loved to joke around and laugh. These were all good things. Then one time something better happened. My dad invited me to help him set up a display at a Scoutmaster training camp. We took our truck and camper up to the campground and spent the whole day working together. When the training was completed, we went to the camper to make some dinner. We were in for a bit of a surprise. It was fall, and my mother had already cleaned out the cupboards. It was a frosty night, and we were famished. We searched and searched and all we could find was a package of Lipton French onion soup and stale saltine crackers. Now I was not fond of French onion soup but that’s all we had, so we boiled it up. That was the best tasting soup ever. It was so great that we had time alone instead of with all my siblings. I knew he loved me because he spent time with me.” (Jerry K. McMillan).

So Why make a concerted effort to spend time alone and give appropriate attention?:

So you child can bond to you with secure attachment.

If they can learn to love you, they can learn to love themselves.

If they can learn to love themselves, they can learn to love a spouse.

We carry the same attachment style into marriage that we get from our home of origin.

After I had earned my master’s degree in counseling, I dearly wanted to do something to prioritize giving appropriate attention and assure my kids would feel securely attached.  But we were so busy, I was really at a loss for how to do that.  

A few months later, OnoChristmas Eve, my husband and I were wrapping a mountain of gifts for our kids till the wee hours of the morning. We felt sick. We were turning our kids into little consumers, the whole holiday was focused on presents, all the food and relatives, and we’d do everything except spend time with our children. That Christmas we were determined to give our kids the gift of time. We announced that Christmas Day and every Sunday would be a legit family day, a time to have a “date” with each child to play with their gifts, or go for a walk, or pick something they wanted to do. The rule was “no interruptions,” so we left our cell phones home. My husband took the three girls. I took the three boys, one at a time, and the next week, we switched and I took the girls.

Fast forward two years. My daughter had received her first “real” mountain bike for Christmas. I asked her what she wanted to do for her time alone with me, hoping it would be something in the warm house because this is Colorado. But oh, no—she wanted a genuine bike ride.

My heart sank. Thankfully there was very little snow. She headed for a steep hill and whooshed up like a gazelle, leaving her frozen, huffing mother behind to negotiate occasional ice patches. After an hour-and-a-half climb, we reached the top. Laughing and exhilarated, we watched the sunset paint pink streaks above the snow-capped mountains. How different from that tired, letdown feeling I often had when all the presents were opened on Christmas afternoon. Suddenly, I realized that our time together was my real gift to her that day. The parent-child bond being strengthened during that time together could never have been purchased in a store. (Barrand, T. Tinsel or Gold, Ensign, Dec. 1995)

  We did time alone faithfully for 14 years. Everytime I get a card from my daughter, she thanks me for doing “Time Alone.” I believe it has made all the difference. 

In the best of psychology, I found numerous studies for my doctoral dissertation that show that altruism or acts of service actually makes people happier. Yes, I can validate those studies with my own experience. Every Sunday when I spent time alone with my kids it just felt good inside, happiness from knowing I fostered secure  attachment.

In the best of spirituality, the ultimate purpose of the gospel of Jesus Christ isn’t just to do charitable acts, like serving our children, it’s to make us like Christ. The scriptures talk about how charity or service to our families is the pure love of Christ and that “when he shall appear, we shall be like him.”(Moroni 7:47)  Perhaps that’s why it feels so good to spend time with our children, we are becoming like Christ.

Hey back to your parenting. I know you would only listen to this if you were doing some good things to give your children appropriate attention. Let’s take a moment to celebrate the many many things you do!

I want you to think of all the times you read a bedtime story to your kid. That was appropriate one-on-one attention. Remember all the times you spent playing Lego or cards or basketball, especially if it was you and your child alone?

        Remember all the times you took off work early to drive your kid to their dance, or art, or tennis lessons and talked on the ride? That was appropriate attention.

        So to all y’all I say, Happy Fathers Day! Thank you, dads!  Thank you, moms!  

 I think we should say, “Happy appropriate attention to make secure attachment day.”  Do you think it will catch on?  Has kind of a ring to it right?

Maybe we can make the Father’s and Mother’s day cards bigger to accommodate the words, “Happy appropriate attention to make secure attachment day.”  That’s such a mouthful.  Can you say it fast?