Relationships Part 4: Inspiration Heals

This week I discuss a problem so big, so overwhelming that all the best of psychology, all the other four parts of improving relationships I've presented this far weren't enough.  In  Part 4 I present how inspiration or those  "Aha" moments when an idea comes into your mind, might be the answer you need to solve a problem and heal a relationship.

Transcript

In Relationships part 1, I taught you about the service of time alone. In Relationships part 2, we discussed giving emotional support. In relationships part 3, we spoke of looking for the good stuff.  

This is Relationships part 4, where we add a very important element, an essential rung on the happiness ladder: How the spiritual peace or relationship with God interacts with our relationships with each other. And I realize that some of you don’t believe in God, but some of you have a relationship with good… believe in being good and doing good and focusing on the good–and that definitely works too.

Today we talk about Inspiration, those “Aha moments,”  and how they solve problems that block closeness, problems that stop bonding, problems that thwart development.

I protect the identity of my clients so just the important parts of this story are true. I have a client named Jessica who came in for counseling because she was incredibly depressed.  

Her son Matthew had these goals to get a college degree and to go on a two-year mission for her church and eventually start a family. But all that was obliterated when he picked up the controller and started to play the game Fortnite. The game consumed him, overtook him. He couldn’t be rational. His brain was hijacked by high levels of dopamine. Jessica and her husband  lectured. They tried hiding his laptop. They tried password protection and blockers. They tried setting boundary after boundary. Matthew was so motivated and smart, he’d just hack around the password protections and sneak around the limits. When he couldn’t be on the game, he spent his time getting dopamine by watching YouTube videos of other people playing the game. Like someone trying to coax booze away from an alcoholic, Matthew’s parents saw him turn mean, nasty, and very unreasonable. A study published in Pediatrics in 2011 showed that video game addiction is tied to depression, social problems, and poorer grades in school. It was called “Pathological Video Game Use Among Youths: A Two-Year Longitudinal Study.” (Douglas A. Gentile, Hyekyung Choo, Albert Liau, Timothy Sim, Dongdong Li, Daniel Fung, and Angeline Khoo. Pediatrics, published online 17 January 17, 2011 DOI:10.1542/peds.2010-1353)

This and many other studies showed someone addicted to gaming can suffer impairment in multiple areas of life and long-term effects like failing out of college, divorce and losing jobs.

Jessica and I consulted Google that said Fortnite was as addictive as heroin. Her son certainly had developed this pattern with his digital gaming. It is characterized by impaired control over gaming, increasing priority given to gaming over other activities

 to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities. (World Health Organization)

His friends would invite him to hang out. He’d say, “Nah, I just want to play Fortnite. I’m hanging with my friends in the game.”

This really sweet girl Emily from his friend group liked him. He just kept ignoring her, she wasn’t as important as his game. She was trying so hard, she’d call him, and he was playing the game, giving her one-word answers. But no attractive girl, nothing produced the high levels of dopamine in his brain like Fortnite. 

So, what to do. His parents racked their brains trying to get inspiration about the right things to say, about the right things to do to lure him away.

According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Manual of Mental Disorders, a person only needs five of the following warning signs or symptoms to be diagnosed with Internet Gaming Disorder: 

1. Preoccupation with gaming
2. Experience of withdrawal or other unpleasant symptoms when gaming is taken away
3. The need to spend increasing amounts of time engaged in games (i.e., tolerance)
4. Unsuccessful attempts to control the game
5. Loss of interest in previous hobbies and entertainment
6. Continued excessive use of games despite problems
7. Deceiving family members and others regarding the amount of gaming
8. Use of games to escape or relieve negative moods
9. Jeopardizing or losing a relationship, education, or career opportunity because of gaming.

Well, that was an easy diagnosis. Matthew had all nine of the symptoms.

 One answer was to try to keep him busy. They had put him on the swim team, and he was good, he placed third in state. But all of his free time was spent in his game. He didn’t want to come to dinner. They tried anything and everything, including taking him to an addiction counselor. They asked for blessings from church leaders. They spoke with him one-on-one each week. 

According to Rehabs.uk, Fortnite is estimated to have over 83 million active players each month, meaning around 3.32 million potential Fortnite addicts globally. In a lawsuit against Fortnite, one child racked up 320 days of gaming hours in less than two years. When did this kid have time to go to school?

Then things got worse. Matthew went off to college on a swimming scholarship.

Escaping from the restraints of his home boundaries, he indulged fully into his addiction. He’d stay up all night playing his game, go to morning swim practice, then go to his dorm and sleep through his classes. Two athletic tutors couldn’t help. He lost his scholarship and was ejected from this very prestigious university. 

He moved back home. It was like fresh sandpaper on an abrasion for his parents to see him gaming knowing how many opportunities he had thrown away.

Fortunately, Matthew could be convinced to go on time alone walks with one of his parents each week.

One Sunday he told his mom, “I know serving a two-year mission for our church is what everyone expects me to do. But, now, I’ve been thinking…. I don’t want to go on a mission, I just want to get an apartment and game whenever I want without you bugging me.”

She wanted to ask him how he’d pay for that, but instead, she prayed inwardly for the gazillionth time, “What do I say to help him?”

  So, she summarized him, “What I’m hearing you say is; you just want to game.”

“Yes.  I just want you to leave me alone.”

Then she had an idea. She remembered a line from a recorded blessing that  Matthew had received.  

She said, “Son, do you remember that your patriarchal blessing says, ‘Don’t be a log floating down the river?’ In other words, don’t just do the easiest thing.

“Will getting an apartment so you can game help you help you reach some of your full potential?”

Matthew was silent for a long time. Tears welled up in his eyes. “No, I think I'd have to go on a mission in order to reach my potential.”

When he first started his mission he experienced withdrawal. It took several months for him to feel excited about normal and natural highs like talking to real people. He was  tempted to game, but he had a spiritual experience reading in the scriptures where the people converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ buried their bad habits. He knew he should bury his habit of Fortnite. He made a promise to God and was able to stay strong and become a dedicated and disciplined missionary.

 And unlike speaking in one-word answers with his old girlfriend on the phone, he found that without video games, he could connect with people and actually talk and teach and help them decide if they wanted to change their lives, choose the good, follow the Savior Jesus Christ. 

Because Matthew was able to overcome his gaming addiction, he came home from his two-year mission and married a wonderful warm and friendly young woman and has 1.5 children of his own. He’s pretty busy now, so he only plays games when the kids are in bed and she’s off doing her job as a nurse. He’s serving in his church in a significant weekly capacity; no more 24 hours gaming binges. He graduated college in biomedical engineering and is holding down a responsible technology job.

Let's analyze this story. In Relationships Part 1, I taught you about the service of time alone. Jessica and her husband had been using that strategy.

In Relationships Part 2, I emphasized the importance of giving emotional support.  Jessica and her husband had been summarizing and reflecting since Matthew was old enough to speak.

In relationships Part 3, we discussed the idea of positivity. Jessica had tried for years to focus on the good stuff, they were praying hard and getting inspiration and acting on that inspiration, but it just wasn’t working. They were pretty discouraged and heartbroken about Matthew’s choices.

It wasn’t until he lost his scholarship, failed out of college, lived at home with no goals other than gaming, that Matthew kind of hit rock bottom, that something changed. And his mother was inspired to talk to him about his full potential. The Holy Ghost touched his heart for the hundredth time, but he was finally ready to listen.

Guys, we have opportunities every day to try to improve our relationships and to help people. And I had an experience just this week.

This year I was in charge of our 4th of July Family Reunion. Both my husband and I have Scottish Heritage, so, for the last two years, I’ve been planning this three-night party for 30 people. We had seven or our family fly or drive nine hours to get to us. 

A lot of times when there's a big group of people, we compare ourselves to each other.  This can become very negative. So, I made a slideshow called “Focus on the Good Stuff.” It had three pictures for each person that highlighted their passions, interests and growth and development. I challenged the family to ask each other questions about  these interests.    

My daughter designed cool Scottish MacHogan Clan t-shirts with the “Focus on the Good Stuff” written in Latin on the belt of the design.   

My husband dressed up in his kilt, we had kilts for the family photos, we played highland games with the caber toss, and had nerf sword fights and much amazing food, water activities and general revelry.  

We rented a very big house with 9 bedrooms, and an indoor playhouse basketball court and playhouse. The little kids were ecstatic about the indoor and outdoor slides. So much preparation and then on the last night, after three days of delighted screams and cacophony someone had frayed nerves. This person called someone a mean name.  Then someone felt the younger kids were too young to participate and a distraction.  Moms and kids were crying. I thought, “Oh no, after all our hard work and planning things have to fall apart on the very last night. These offenses and bad moments will be what they remember.”  I didn’t sleep well, and felt sick. My husband and I had  been so busy preparing for the family reunion that we missed a couple of days of scripture study.  We usually are quite purposeful and set our timer for 1 ⁄ 2 hour.  

So we did our study that last morning. And then I got this idea… no I’d call it an inspiration… not to let my family go home with frustrations and hurt feelings. So I called them together, and we went around the circle, and I asked them each to say one thing that was “Focus on the Good stuff.” So many kids noticed their cousins doing good things. “I'm thankful I get to know Lily better.” More than one adult was tearful and expressed how much they loved the family and focusing on the good stuff. 

God once said, “As I have loved you, love one another.” It’s really hard to love one another, if there are outstanding issues that need to be resolved. We also have to be in a position, or worthy to get those good ideas, that inspiration, about how to solve problems and draw close to one another.