How to De-fuse Anger by Moving From Firecracker Brain to Logic Brain

This podcast is to help people of all ages who explode.  When we get angry, we use a part of the brain I call Firecracker Brain.    I present the ABC's of anger management to help you and help your children move from from a part of the brain that can't reason and understand consequences to the Logic Brain.

Transcript

This podcast is on how to help all y’all parents who are sick and tired this summer because your kids have been fighting. It’s to help you connect, one of the 6 strengths on the happiness ladder by defusing anger by moving from firecracker brain to logic brain.   

I protect the identity of my clients so just the important parts of this story are true. 

A mom came into my Florida counseling practice:

She said, “I hate summers. I hate it when they are all in the house. I’m trying really hard to keep them active, get them off their screens, take them to lessons and camps and push them toward growth and development. But it’s only weeks and all day long it’s the emotional equivalent of Giganotosaurus vs T-Rex. I’m exhausted, I’m miserable, and I want to run away.”  

She said “You know those fireworks you can buy for your family 4th of July celebration? I’m thinking of one called the Pyrotechnic Barrage. It has crimson shimmers, crackling tails, whistles and four M-80 firecrackers. It would blow out your eardrums and burn up the curtains if you set it off in the house, but that’s what it feels like several times a day at my house. 

“But it’s just one explosion after another and we are all getting burned.

“And going on a family outing, that’s even worse.

 “Three of the kids have read the Harry Potter books. It’s our special once a year family tradition to go to Hogsmeade at Universal Studios and and ride Hagrid’s wild ride. I have a child that just loves the motorcycle ride that goes 50 miles an hour. 

“But even though I talked and talked to the kids to try to prep them to get along and be kind, it was so ugly, such a disaster.”

“In the morning the 16-year-old had a meltdown because she didn’t want to go with the family. It was going to be a hot day, and she likes hanging out with her friends or hanging out in her bedroom 10 times more than being with her younger siblings.

 “My daughter said, ‘They are always fighting, they are immature, they embarrass me.’ And sadly I could see her point.” She said, “But we’ve been planning this for months. It would mean so much to me to have a fun day as a family! We’ve spent $200 dollars each on your Universal Express passes.”

Said the daughter, “I don’t care, I hate hanging out with them.”  

Eventually she got in the car and slammed the door.

Nothing mom could say seemed to help her.

 Then the 14-year-old really wanted to start the day at the Mario Kart Ride, but he got outvoted and the family chose to line up for Hagrid’s.

 Now he had a meltdown. “That’s the only ride I want to go on! It’s the most important one. Now the lines will be a lot longer!”

 His mom tried to reason with him. “But we are right here at this ride your siblings really want and that ride is much further away. We’ll get there, it will just take time.”

 Her pleas fell on deaf ears.

 “He was sullen and rolling his eyes and huffing, mumbling, ‘I hate this, this is so stupid’ for the next 2 hours.

“It wasn’t fun hanging with him either, his anger put such a damper on the mood. 

“ After lunch we got some great ice cream cones, but at 3:00, the 12-year-old got really jealous because his older siblings bought chicken fingers and fries, and he couldn’t because he didn’t have a job or money. He was throwing things, yelling about how angry he was, and it wasn’t fair.  His explosions were burning his relationships and ruining the activity for everyone else.” She said, “I watched the kids go from bad attitude in the morning to sulking and pouting (poor me) to a full-on temper tantrum.” Each time she tried to pull the child aside, to explain things, to reason with them, to help them calm down and be less selfish. But trying to talk the kids down and get them to see reason was impossible.

“Anger was ruining everything; I just can’t feel the Spirit when they are fighting.” She was desperate for change. 

I said, “I want you to show this cut-away picture of the brain.” 

We looked at the Amygdala. 

Question: Why would someone get mad at their video game and throw the controller at the screen and break it?

Answer: The Amygdala is in charge.  When you’re angry, the Amygdala secretes a neurotransmitter called catecholamines, which makes the body secrete adrenalin,

1.      blood flow gets faster so our face reddens, digestion stops. 

2.      Breathing gets quicker.

3.    The Prefrontal cortex shuts down, and that means we can’t think about the consequences.

The consequences in this example are:  Now your controller and or your screen is broken and you can’t play the game.

 Let’s draw an M-80 firecracker on top of the Amygdala. M-80’s contain 80 milligrams of flash powder.They have blown off many fingers. Can you imagine going through life without a finger because you lit one of these bad boys? These kinds of fireworks are illegal for a good reason. Here’s an example:  A 52-year-old man lit an illegal firework with a large fuse. Either he did not move away from it in time, or he came back to check it after it was lit. The device exploded near the victim's face and his shirt caught on fire. The victim experienced first and second degree burns to about 40 percent of his body. He was taken to the hospital and later developed an infection. three weeks after the incident He died. http://www.saludhealthinfo.com/safety/FireworksSafety.html

Who do you hurt when your brain is in firecracker mode, and you explode? 

So how do we fix this?  ABC stands for Away, Breathe, Chew.

 Away - remove yourself from the situation, pause - wait a few moments. Time away helps you shift from the firecracker brain to the logic brain.

Breathe with large exhalations. Blow out the fuse - Why breathing? Remember breathing speeds up when the Firecracker Brain makes catecholamines and adrenalin? Breathing slowly helps thoughts and emotions move from the angry Firecracker Brain to the logical frontal cortex. brain.

Chew - if you chew some food or some gum you start digestion. Remember the Firecracker Brain shuts down digestion, so if you start it up again by Chewing, thoughts can move back to the logic brain. That’s probably why Chewing really helps when you are hangry.

 In our family we are going to have a new way of doing things. If somebody is yelling, criticizing others, throwing things or just having a meltdown,

Show you care enough to listen and try to understand the person's side,

God has asked us to keep our family from fighting and quarreling. (Mosiah 4:14-15)  It’s so destructive to relationships. 

Therefore, here’s a boundary for you to consider: No Explosions.

When you are angry, you are not allowed to detonate the firecracker, or explode and burn the family with your anger. For the mental health and safety of our whole family, if someone is having an emotional episode, which includes.

 yelling,

criticizing,

arguing,

fighting, throwing things, slamming doors

someone will step up and summarize them and then they will take some time to

Away -spend some time away,

Breathe - Blow out the firecracker with deep breaths and  

Chew, start digestion with gum or food.

My job is to summarize you. 

Your job is to go do your ABCs.

When you can start to see the logic in this thought and are ready to discuss it, come back and let’s talk things out.  

 So, a day after my client taught her children the ABCs of anger management, her 10-year-old son didn’t want to go to a church activity. He was upset that all the friends his age had moved up to the next age group. He’d be the oldest one there. My client was trying to fold and sort clean laundry in her bedroom. He followed her around the house and wouldn’t leave her alone. He yelled. “I’m not going. You can’t make me.”

She summarized him. “You really don’t want to hang out with the younger kids, they aren’t your friends.”

He yelled, “You’re not listening to me!”  (Which meant you’re not doing what I want.)

She said, “I’ve summarized you; you are stuck in firecracker brain. Go do your ABC’s.”

He yelled, “I’m not going,” and he kicked a pile of laundry and a basket and messed it all up. 

Boy, that made her mad, really mad. But that’s the kind of stupid things people in firecracker brain do.

She got up firmly and grabbed his shoulders and pushed him into the hallway and locked herself in.

Seven minutes later.

He was a different boy. His face was calm. “I’m sorry mom.”

Adults also need to do their ABCs. My client’s anger escalates quickly, she gets out of control angry. She feels terrible about yelling, about her bad example to the kids. One Saturday she was cleaning the house, starting with the basement. She came upstairs and saw three of her four children playing a video game instead of doing their jobs.

“You know you’re not supposed to be doing that. Get off your lazy butts before I take away the switch (gaming console). What is wrong with you?” 

Ouch, name calling and criticism. Those are not words you should ever speak to kids.

Just pronouncing the word amygdala is difficult. Defusing her lifelong habit of exploding is difficult. But her sweet little 10-year-old was a quick learner.

 The little guy said, “Mom, I’m summarizing. You want us to stop gaming. Well, your uglyduck is like a firecracker, and it’s going bang! Kaboom! Kapow! So, your job is to go away and chew gum. And when you come back, we can talk about what you want in a calm voice.  And you need to say you’re sorry.”

 So, if you’ve enjoyed this podcast, listen again with your spouse, talk about the ABCs of defusing anger, and move your family from firecracker brain to logic brain.