Gratitude Attitude Beatitudes: How to Increase Gratitude Part 1

I've always known that being more thankful would make me happier and more Christlike, but how do I do that?  How do I find and express more gratitude?  In this podcast I show you how one of my Florida clients, who was probably the most negative person I've ever met can teach us all how to increase our gratitude.

Transcript

I’m Dr. Tracy McMillan Hogan and there are six strengths you can develop in order to have more meaning, peace and joy in your life.  I call this the Happiness Ladder.  

When it comes to being thankful, I’ve thought, OK God commands us to live in thanksgiving daily (Alma 34:38)….. But how do I do that?  I know that if I were more thankful and grateful, I’d be more peaceful and happy.  But how do I do that?

  Today I’m going to tell you about an incredibly important psychological study on how gratitude increases happiness. 

First, I have to  tell you about one of my Florida clients who’s possibly one of the most ungrateful, angry people I’ve ever met. Remember I’m only telling you the important bits to protect her identity and I'm reconstructing our dialogue from memory. Alyssa was an extremely depressed 37-year-old woman who absolutely wore me out. I dreaded sessions with her. I’d see her name on my schedule, and I wanted to stay in bed, call in sick. She came in each week spewing rage like vomit onto my shoes. It was very difficult to stem the torrent to get a word edgewise or do anything remotely therapeutic.

Her job was an endless source of anguish. She earned good grades at a prestigious east coast university, so she had high hopes for her career. Unfortunately, the government job she accepted after graduation proved to be a dud, a dead end. 

She said, “My job is so awful, I can’t make myself get out of bed, I’m always at least an hour late. It’s excruciating to endure mundane tasks day after day. It’s way below my abilities. Life was so full of promise when I graduated. I’m way more qualified than anyone on my team.  Every spring, I go through the long process for an application to get promoted.  I get my hopes up and I get rejected.  I’ve repeated that process for 13 years.  I’m wondering Why even try anymore? What’s the use?”   

For the next part of Alyssa’s story to make sense, I have to share an unpleasant chapter of my history. When I was about nine, I stepped in this really sticky smelly mustard-colored dog poop. Oblivious to the smell, ignorant to the fact that it was my shoe making that pungent acrid grossness in mom’s car and in my bedroom and under the floor of my desk at school. I was just a little kid and when I put on my shoes I must have got it on my hands and then I touched my face and my hair. The vile reek permeated my world for days.  One sniff and my family and my friends refused to  sit by me. I was a little traumatized. Now I gag at the sight, smell or mention of pet pee or poop. If I am walking outside and happen to see a pet relieving itself, It’s the ultimate stomach churner.  My head yanks away. I call this part of me that wants to retch at pet smells, Lady GaGag. But let’s face it, when you are being paid to listen to someone’s problems, it’s mighty unprofessional to toss your cookies while your client pours out her soul. Counseling is about concentrating on her issues.. Normally I can keep Lady GaGag under control when I am in session. If my mind goes to the smelly place, I say to myself, ‘Focus on your client. Focus on your client.’

Alyssa reported that a big source of anguish was her apartment. She said that the complex was old and falling apart. They rarely fixed anything. She had several cats. She called them emotional therapy cats, but those are supposed to be highly trained and obedient, and hers were not. They peed all over her carpets. And now she’s revealing that nugget of information. My mind jumps to the dreaded place,  that nasty place of bad pet smells.  I’m thinking about uric acid decomposing bacteria releasing a horrible ammonia stench. Gag. Alyssa said her place smelled like a sewer. Gag cough, I have to put the wastebasket on my lap. Oh no, Lady GaGag has hijacked my mind!

Alyssa plunges forward with the story, she’s in so much pain she’s oblivious to my wastebasket and my gagging. And her male cats took turns marking their territory on her comforter. Gag. And I’m thinking about her sleeping under a comforter that has that pungent skunky odor. Gag. Gag.

I’m straining to keep my face calm and interested so I won't detract from her story. Alyssa doesn’t notice me stifling my gags, she’s focused on how it’s so gross to open the front door and the smell hits her. and it makes her more depressed. So certainly not emotional support cats. More like emotional devastation cats. Then I realize there is an odor coming from my client, and just as I’m about to vomit, she (oh, thank goodness) changed the subject to her social life.    

Ok.  She only had one significant relationship, a boyfriend who had been with her just two years. (And of course I wondered if the cats had anything to do with it.) Alyssa would dearly love to have a family, so she has been starting the process for in vitro fertilization. But she’d have to pay for it all herself. And taxes were so much higher for single people. And no one would help her raise the baby. She believed the whole world was against single people.

She stated that her boyfriend was verbally abusive and a lazy loser. The two years were so stressful. Fortunately, he disappeared. But then she’d gained so much weight that no one paid attention, no one asked her out, no one wanted her. She used to believe a baby would fix everything. But, she thought she’d probably be a horrible mother, and depressed all the time.  

I said, “Sounds like you are drowning in worries, fear, and sadness”. 

She said “Yes, I can’t even sleep at night because things just go over and over in my brain. That’s why I’m like two hours late to work.”

“It sounds like you get paralyzed by these strong emotions? Kind of like an emotional whirlpool, sucking you down? Controlling you?”

I asked Alyssa to read this out loud:

An Emotional Parable in 5 parts: 

Version 1

A woman is driving down the street at night. She doesn’t see the construction, her car crashes into an open hole. She sinks into sewage right up to the top of the tires. If she tries to open the door, the smelly mud would oozes into her new car.  She’s so mad.  “I’m going to sue this construction company. They should have had more signs, more lights. Crap like this always happens to me.  This is unfair. I don’t even have someone to help me get out of this mess! The whole world is against single people. ”  She sits in her car for hours fuming, blaming everyone else. There’s no cell service and nobody comes to help her.   Finally, she takes one step into the sewage and gets out .

Version 2

A woman is driving down the street at night. She doesn’t see the construction, her car crashes into the open hole. She’s kind of upset.  But she’s been here before.  After 15 minutes of frustration and anger she decides she needs to  think of three things she’s grateful for in order to work up her courage.  “I’m grateful I have car insurance.   I’m grateful I’m not hurt.  I’m grateful the sewage is only a foot deep”.  She takes one step and gets out .

 Version 3

A woman is driving down the street at night. She’s driving too fast, it’s her habit. Her car crashes into an open hole.  She laughs at herself, “OK, I’m here.“ She doesn’t bother with anger, she is responsible for where she is. She quickly takes the first step and gets out.

 Version 4

A woman is driving down a road at night. She turns on her brightest headlights. She knows where the hole is. She breaks her habit and goes slower, so she sees it and drives around it. She saves so much time and energy.

 Version 5

The woman takes a different road.

(Adapted from: VanWarmerdam, Gary, “Critical Voice in your head,  Progress in 5 chapters” https://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/about_gary_background.htm)

I asked Alyssa, “What was improved in version 2?”

Alyssa looked it over. “The woman was able to get out faster by being thankful.” 

I asked, “What about in version 3?”

Alyssa studied it. “She laughs at her stupidity and gets out even sooner.”

I asked, “What’s better about version 4?” 

Alyssa reread. “She breaks her habit, goes slow.”

“Yes, but which came first? Changing her thoughts or changing her behavior?”

Alyssa said, “Changing your thoughts always comes before thchanging behavior.”

I said, “Alyssa, where are you with your job in this parable? Version 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?”

She said, “Oh I know I’m still in the sewage with my job. I’m stuck in 1.”

I said, “Because your thoughts are stuck. You are still so angry, sitting in your car. Is it time to take a step to get out?”

She was very tentative. “Well, maybe.”

I said, “Alyssa, I am going to tell you the number one best way I know to change your thoughts, I call it Gratitude Attitude Beatitudes ”

#1 Blessed are they who increase gratitude during prayer.

You are pretty depressed, you are in a lot of pain, but like the parable, you know counting your blessings will help you take a step out into positive thinking.  What if I told you that researchers had depressed study subjects keep a gratitude journal for 31 days and they were able to decrease depression.  Here’s the research.

Researchers (Emmons & McCullough, 2003) manipulated gratitude to see the effect on well-being when they had depressed participants keep weekly (study 1), or daily (study 2), gratitude journals. Their most robust finding was a positive correlation between a conscious focus on blessings and positive affect increase in well-being. The daily gratitude journaling group reported greater enthusiasm, alertness, and determination, and was significantly more likely to make progress toward key goals. Interestingly, this group was more likely to offer help and support to other people.

So how does daily gratitude journaling apply to you?  According to this research which they ran three ways with three groups, If you were to keep a gratitude journal, it would help you to focus on your blessings and feel and think more positively. If you chose to do this daily, you’d have more enthusiasm, alertness, determination, and make progress towards your key goal of a better job.  Also, there’s the bit about helping others. Can you try to imagine what it would be like to have more happiness in your life that comes from helping other people?

Here's how I ask my clients to keep a gratitude journal. Most of us are really busy, so just do it as part of your prayers. Draw a vertical line halfway through your lined paper. On the left start listing six areas of life. Let’s do it right now.  

Areas of Life |  
Physical  
Spiritual
Emotional
Mental  
Social
Vocational 

I asked Alyssa “What are you grateful for about your physical body or the physical world around you?”

She said, “Well, I can see. My mom has recently had eye surgery and lost a lot of her vision.”

“Good, so next to the physical you might write the word ‘vision’ in your journal and then what might you say to Heavenly Father to elaborate on it and savor it?”

Alyssa said, “Dear Heavenly Father, I ‘m so thankful I can see. It’s fall and are so many beautiful colors.”

I said, “Good, I like how you took it slow, savored the gratitude.”

“Well, in the spiritual category, I could write the word God. And I could say, “I’m thankful I have God in my life, because I’m very lonely.”

But, emotionally and socially, she had to think for a long time. She said her life sucked. It was hard to think of anything positive. She couldn’t feel grateful.

        I asked her to explain what the following three quotes meant to her:

        “Never let your emotions overpower your intelligence.” 

“Never let what you feel make you forget what is real.” 

“Facts over feelings.” 

        We discussed that perhaps a person doesn’t feel grateful because their depressed feelings overpower their intelligence. Maybe there were some facts that she could try to see, like what was real,  her blessings.  That it was a fact that she did have a job,  It was a fact that she had plenty of food and fuel for heat and air conditioning in the summer.  

Emotional: She said, “Well I’m thankful I’m not too depressed to work, because I’d lose my apartment and my car.

Mental: And I’m thankful I graduated from such a prestigious college. My parents will be paying for that for a long time. It’s got to mean something somewhere.

Social: And I’m thankful my parents have invited me for the holidays, I talk to them about once a month. They are good people. And I’m very thankful for my cats.

 Vocational: Have a job

Areas of Life |  
physical What are you grateful for your physical body or the physical world around you? | Vision

Spiritual | Ease Loneliness
Emotional | Mentally Healthy enough to work
Mental | Good College
Social | Parents, cats
Vocational | Have a job

I said, “Good. According to the study on gratitude journals, this will get easier. You’ll start looking for the good in things, and after a few months, you’ll be much less depressed. Can you bring your gratitude journal into session next week and read it to me?” 

She said, “ Well, to be honest, I don’t want to do this.  These are fake answers.”

I said, “Oh, I bet this feels fake. It takes time to develop an attitude of gratitude. We discussed the notion of ‘Fake it until you make it?’ Then I asked her to make a list of her reasons why.  Why go to all the effort?  We discussed these gratitude scriptures. 

“God promises if I am thankful, I’ll be made glorious, and all the things of this earth shall be added to you even more than a hundred-fold. (D&C 78:19)

He asks me

To Live in thanksgiving daily (Alma 34:38)

To be grateful like the one leper out of 10 (Luke 17:11-19)

To render all the thanks and praise our souls are able, (Mosiah 2:19-22)

        Here’s another quote that answers the question “Why cultivate gratitude?”

In one of the most important gratitude speeches of all time, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens our perception and clears our vision. It inspires humility and fosters empathy toward our fellowmen and all of God’s creations. Gratitude is a catalyst to all Christlike attributes! A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues. Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be. We can choose to be like the Prophet Joseph Smith, who while a prisoner in miserable conditions in Liberty jail, penned these inspired words: ‘Dearly beloved Brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power: and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God and for his arm to be revealed.’” (Uchtdorf, D.F.  April 2014, General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

“From these verses and his talk ‘Why gratitude?’ And I’m asking you to write three or more reasons why gratitude? 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I said, “Here's a blank prayer/gratitude journal for you to start with. There are 3 columns.  First is the area of life, Physical, Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Social, Vocational.  The middle column is to write a few words of thanks.  The right hand column is where you may feel prompted to ask God for help.”

Today's Date:    /    /  

Areas of Life | Thankful for: | Ask for:
 Physical
Spiritual   
Emotional
Mental 
Social   
Vocational  

I said, “OK great. Will you commit to use this three column  gratitude journal/prayer journal?  Emmons & McCullough got their results from 31 days of the gratitude journal study. What results will you see after 31 days? Take the gratitude journal challenge and see your results.”

A month later Alyssa was softer.  She was doing her prayer/gratitude journal in the evenings.  It helped her calm her mind so she could sleep.  She started being able to get up and get to work on time.  She was starting to be thankful about things that she did at work and being thankful for some of the people.  That gave her a tiny ray of hope that she might get promoted, and if not, to get another job. She started to feel her value to others and to God.

Another idea to increase our gratitude in prayer is to limit ourselves to a pure prayer of thanks ... no asking.” 

I have a personal tradition on Thanksgiving to find a time to take a walk outside away from my family and all the happy chaos and just spend some real time in thanking God for everything I can think of spiritually, emotionally, mentally, socially and vocationally. I have especially fond memories of the closeness I felt to God doing this in some snow in the mountains one year. When I’ve done it this way, I feel so richly blessed; this can take a long time. But if God didn’t want us to say a few long prayers, why would he put examples of long prayers in the scriptures? (Jesus went to the wilderness 40 days to pray. One prophet prayed all day and into the night).

So the first Gratitude Attitude Beatitude  is 

Blessed are they who increase gratitude during prayer. 

The second one is: 

Blessed are they who give God the glory for their growth.

  In today’s world people affirm:

• I believe in myself and my abilities.
•  I am capable of creating success.
• I will make a positive difference today. 
• I can do this!

Do you hear anything slightly off in these affirmations?  A wise man said something like this, “One of the greatest sins of which the inhabitants of the earth are guilty today is the sin of ingratitude. We see men (and women) raised up with extraordinary gifts, or with great intelligence, and he (or she) is instrumental in developing some great principle. They ascribe this great genius and wisdom to themselves. They attribute their success to their own energies, labor and mental capacity. They do not acknowledge the hand of God in anything connected with his success, but ignore him altogether and take the honor to themselves. God is not pleased but is angry with them because they will not acknowledge His hand in all things.” (Smith, Joseph F., Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1939, pp. 270–71.)

        Think of it, over this past year, how has God helped you grow and develop? __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I am so incredibly grateful for all the help God has blessed me with on writing 13 podcasts. I do my best; I sit at the computer and do the work. I draw on my 30 years experience as a mom, counselor, and psychology professor. 

Once there was a young woman who had the idea to help the poorest of the poor.  To feed and comfort the dying and diseased.  Did you know that in 1990 there were 1 million Missionaries of Charity working to keep that idea alive.  These included hospices and homes for people with HIV/AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis, soup kitchens, children's and family counseling programmes, orphanages and schools. If each worker just helped 10 people that would be 11 million people helped.. She was a great success.   But this young woman always gave God the credit.like Mother Teresa says, “In God’s work I am like a pencil in his hand… He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used.” (Mother Teresa,”The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living.”  March 1, 2000)

If you know someone who would be happier if they ase hit those three dots and then the line that says “share episode.”

Until next time:  Live like his son, help others on their way.