How to Counsel Like the Savior: And Help Your Child Feel Like they are Good Enough

 What will you say when someone you care about says 

"No matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough. 

 Or "I'm so anxious I can't sleep?"

I've always known there were solutions to mental health problems in the scriptures, and I tried to help my clients of faith by quoting them.  But it wasn't enough, just reciting scripture lacked the power for change.

In Chile, South America I discovered how to help a person feast on the scriptures and generate solutions to their problems and become emotionally self reliant.  When someone you love comes to you for support, these four steps can  help you counsel like the Savior.

Today we'll cover Acts 10:38  Jesus went about doing good.

Transcript

What will you say when your child says:

“No matter how hard I try, I’m never good enough.”

“With all the things I’ve got to do, I’m so anxious, I can’t sleep.”

Surprisingly, these are things I heard while I was serving as a Mental Health Counselor for the young missionaries.  I had to learn to use the scriptures in a much more intense way help them to  manage doubts and fears and inspire positive thinking and problem solving.

I call what I learned on my mission the 4W’s. The 4W’s will help you take on an attribute of Jesus Christ, the one of Master Counselor.  Our goal is to practice enough so it comes automatically, and you can help the people you love become emotionally self-reliant.

Acts 10:38  Jesus Went About Doing Good

Do any of the names for Jesus Christ help you when you're down? Which of these names pertain to your  mental health?

Isaiah said, “And his name shall be called wonderful, counselor, the mighty God the everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6-7).”  Oh, so “Counselor” and “Prince of Peace” are two of his names that would make Him the ultimate therapist.  

Earth life is loaded with trials and problems, and we get distraught, upset, angry or emotionally dysregulated. God tells us to “Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings.” (Alma 37:37) How do we do that? I always thought that meant to pray to God like a beloved counselor who had all the answers. But there is another way I’ve learned recently. It’s to have five scriptures at your fingertips that bring you consolation, relief, succor, encouragement and peace. Five scriptures that you go to, that you can always fall back on and count on to help you achieve serenity. They help you feel the spirit and they help you access the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, so I call them my five Savior Scriptures.

The best moments, the most rewarding moments of my 30 years as a professional counselor were while I was paying for the experience to be a senior missionary, a volunteer mental health counselor for the young missionaries in South America. There is nothing in this world that has helped me feel so inspired, so close to God. When we would start our WhatsApp(™) appointment, I would make a table with three words at the top: worries, wisdom, word.  

One of the sisters I’ll call Hermana Smith* was referred by her Mission Leader. 

She said, “We try so hard to find people to teach, when we are out finding, we knock doors or talk to people in the park for hours, and we get so excited when someone finally will speak with us, and even more excited when they will let us set an appointment. But yesterday, this 20-year-old who said we could come back and teach her was so rude. She was texting and rolling her eyes and sighing like she was bored and left early to be with her boyfriend. It was a terrible appointment. There’s so much rejection. I just feel sad.” 

She started to tear up and was sniffling. “The Mission Leader wants us to get a baptism every month. I’m failing at my job as a missionary. I have so much potential I’m not reaching. I want to train but I’ll never be good enough. I make so many mistakes with Spanish, it would be better if I just went home.“  

I said, “Wow, Hermana, that sounds so rough! Sounds like you are having a very difficult time.” That was an example of:

Step 1: Give emotional support by summarizing and reflecting.  We are going to take those doubts and fears seriously. We’re going to write the word “Worries” here in a table with three columns.  

 I said, “What I hear you saying is you are really discouraged because when you finally found someone to teach, she gave clear signals that she wasn’t interested and you felt rejected. There’s so much pressure on you to get a baptism in a few weeks and you just don’t see that happening. You just can’t measure up and you wonder if you even belong here.”  

And he tears went from a slow trickle to more of a rainstorm down her face, because it’s such a relief when someone is trying to understand how terrible we feel.

She said, “Yes. And a few of the elders and some of the hermanas in leadership are just amazing. They are so positive and energized and capable. They are just working with God to lead people to the Savior. And they are funny and loving. I can’t help feeling discouraged and comparing myself. I feel so weak and ineffective next to them.”

I said, “So the contrast between you and them is really painful.”  

She nodded.

I said, “OK, Are you ready to work this?  Ready to  throw some logic at this problem?”  

Step 2: Wisdom. “Let’s write these ideas in the wisdom column. Wisdom is just facts and ideas that help us look at things differently. First let’s talk about other people in your same situation who might doubt themselves. You’ve only been out 6 months. Do you think it might be possible that other missionaries who’ve been out 6 months might feel the same discouragement about teaching and might struggle with the language like you do?”  

She said, “Oh, yes, my trainer told me she had a terrible time the first 8 months.”

I said, “OK so, just thinking logically here, what is your guess at the percent of new missionaries who struggle the first 6 months?”

She thought 85%.  

I said, “Ahh, so you are in good company then. And is it just remotely possible that when they were struggling the first 6 months that they might have thought, I’ll never be good enough? I’ll never look like my leaders and trainers? Here’s a fact that pertains: Dr. Justin Coulson, an Australian psychologist, asked 600 young women in the church how they felt about themselves. Do you know what most of them said? Well, with all the social media and school and all the comparisons, It was some version of, ‘I’m just not good enough.’ 

“What other logic and wisdom can we throw at your worries that you’re just not enough?” Now her brain was shifting from the emotional limbic area to the logical prefrontal cortex. She remembered the “Adjusting to Missionary Life” material on the church’s website and all things that she’d been taught in training about being a new missionary.

She said, “The Lord doesn’t call perfect missionaries. I’m doing a lot of good.

The mission isn’t graded. It’s about serving. It’s about growth.“ 

I asked her, “So how much have you grown in 6 months? If growth were 1-10 with a 10 high, what score would you give yourself?”   

She said, “Oh, a 10! In the beginning, my Spanish was a disaster, and no one could understand me. Now I’ve learned enough Spanish that I can talk to people. I’ve learned I can do hard things. I’ve learned I have the skills and the power to be the missionary I need to be. It’s about growth. The Lord doesn't measure me by my mistakes. Also he’d be losing a really good missionary and good disciple if I went home just because I thought I wasn’t good enough.”

I said, “Oh, that’s some powerful wisdom, I’ve written it all in the wisdom column.  Let’s move on to the third W.  Step 3: The Word of God. On this third column on the right where it says ‘Word.’  I ask you, what would the Savior say about these worries?”

She said she had read this scripture that morning: Jacob 4:6-7 “…the Lord God showeth us our weakness that we may know that it is by his grace... that we have power to do these things.”

I asked her to shorten that and use her own name.  

She said “I, Hermana Smith, through God’s grace will have the power to do the things he needs me to do.”  

I said, “Oh, yes, that’s a good one. Could that be one of your top five comfort scriptures?”  I asked her, “How does saying ‘God’s grace will give you the power to do great things’ make you feel?” 

She said, “Peaceful and just a little bit hopeful.”

I said, “OK, now it’s time to attack that thought that comes up so often, ‘I’m just not good enough.’ Would you read Acts 10:38?” 

“How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.”

I said, “So when you apply this scripture to yourself, just take the part ‘who went about doing good.’  

OK she said, “I can go about doing good.:

Hermana, does it say Jesus went about doing spectacular, or Jesus went about doing amazing? No! It just says he went about doing good. That means good is good enough.  Let's make a list of all the good things you have done in the past 24 hours.”  

She said, “Well, I  got up and exercised…”

I said, “Mmmm, preparing to go out to help. Yup, that’s doing good.”

She said, “Then I prepared some breakfast. “

I said, “Good. Fueling your body for work.”

She said, “Then I got ready. Then we had companion study and then individual study. Then we had a district meeting.” 

I said, “Good, good, and more good.”

She said, “Then we had lunch with the members, and then we did some finding and knocked some doors for three hours and found no one to teach. Everyone told us to go away.” 

I said, “Good, and especially good. Let me ask you, what do you feel prompted from our discussion today to change?”  

She said, “I need to be satisfied with good. Good is good enough for God.”

And now for Step 4: Find your why.

I said, “So, Hermana, I’m making a list here under the table we just made.  Why is it so important that you do good and that good is good enough?”

She thought for a moment and said, “I’m becoming more like the Savior, I’m taking on his attributes.”

I said, “Why else let good be good enough?”  

She said, “Because when I get inspiration to do good, even if it didn’t turn out like we planned, it was still from God.”

I said, “Why else let good be good enough?”

She said, “So I stop beating myself up about all the things I don’t get done or about my mistakes.”

I wrote these “three reasons why”.  

“Hermana, could you read Acts 10:38 as a short version that applies to you? Let’s see if this feels like it might be one of your Savior scriptures.”

She said, “I can go about doing good. And Good is good enough.”

I looked at her, and it appeared that the tears of despair were no longer flowing. They were tears of hope. There was light, there was faith in her face. In my view, her heart had changed, and His image, the image of Jesus Christ, the Master Counselor was in her countenance. (Alma 5:14).  She took an assignment to do these 4 W’s in her journal when she caught herself dwelling on negative thoughts. Each week, we went over her journal, and she learned to shift from the emotional brain to the logical brain. After about five weeks she said, “I am doing much better. I can’t spare time for counseling. I need this hour for missionary work.”

I said, “I’ve noticed. You don’t need me. You can do this on your own. You are ready to graduate.”

I ask you, dear listener, what would happen in your life if you believed: Acts 10:38? That you can go about doing good and good is good enough.

Just a word about what you call your five scriptures. You could label them your power scriptures, or your peace scriptures. Or you could use the word support, grace, comfort, hope, courage, whatever is meaningful for you. I call them my Savior Scriptures because they save me. He saves me from worry and frustration. That’s it for today. Until Next time

Live like His son. Help others on their way.