How to Counsel Like the Savior: And Help Your Child Tranquilize Perfectionism

 What will you do when someone you care about says 

• "If I can’t do it if it’s not perfect"
• "I have very high standards for myself"
• "I worry all the time it’s not good enough"

To help your child with these types of perfectionistic statements, you'll need a deep dive into the scriptures. Today we'll cover Moroni 4:3 Always Remember Him.   I'll teach you how to use the four words,  Worry, Wisdom, Word, Why.  These 4W's will help you take on an attribute of Jesus Christ-Master Counselor.

Transcript

What will you say when your child says:

• "If I can’t do it if it’s not perfect"
• "I have very high standards for myself"
• "I worry all the time it’s not good enough"

Surprisingly, these are things I heard while I was serving as a Mental Health Counselor for the young missionaries. We had to take a deep dive into the scriptures to  help them to manage doubts and fears and inspire positive thinking and problem solving.

I call what I learned on my mission the 4 Ws. Worry, Wisdom, Word, Why.  The 4 Ws will help you take on an attribute of Jesus Christ, the attribute of Master Counselor. Our goal is to practice enough so it comes automatically, and you can help the people you love become emotionally self-reliant.

Today: Moroni 4:3 Remember Him Always

Ok, apprentice counselors. Here’s a little exercise for you. In the following scenario, pick out some words that are troubling or concerning.

 Step 1: Worries,  In session, elder Olson said he rarely felt that he was good enough and he had a hard time being strictly obedient. For instance, yesterday he had done a good job in the morning and worked hard, but worried that he had to do a perfect job the rest of the day, and it wasn’t possible. Then he felt depressed that he was not good enough and he needed to repent perfectly, which means stopping what he’s doing and praying alone for exactly 45 minutes. Well, his poor companion wanted to keep working, they had appointments, they didn’t have time to ride the bus home so elder Olson could sequester himself in the apartment. They argued, and Olson didn’t apologize because he was exhausted. Then he felt guilty about that.

What words set off alarms in your brain?

I hoped you picked out the words “strictly obedient,” “perfect job,” “repent perfectly,” “not good enough,” “felt guilty.”

When you hear your child saying these kinds of words, you know you are dealing with perfectionism. 

To finish Step 1: I gave emotional support by saying, “Wow, Elder, that must have been such a rough afternoon to try to be perfect. It really brought you down. And that had to be so frustrating when your companion wouldn’t drop everything and let you repent like you wanted.”

Now for Step 2: The wisdom column, I asked Elder Olson if he would like to discuss what two general authorities had to say about perfection.

Elder Holland said, “Except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call ‘toxic perfectionism’.”  (Holland J.R., Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually, Oct 2017 General Conference.)

President Russell M. Nelson talked about perfectionism as a problem of the world, a problem of the natural man or woman, and Jesus asked us to overcome the world. “Overcoming the world certainly does not mean becoming perfect in this life. How, then, do we overcome the world?... Each time you seek for and follow the promptings of the Spirit, each time you do anything good—things the natural man would not do—you are overcoming the world.” (Nelson, R. M., Overcome the World and Find Rest, Oct 2022 General Conference.) 

“What are these saying to you, Elder Olson?”

He said, “For a perfectionist, it is especially important that you recognize that you are doing good and making progress. That good is good enough. Steady improvement.”

Then Elder Olson came up with some of  his own wisdom, “To be a better missionary, I need to be a little more laid back and kinder and gentler with myself and not so rigid. There are so many things that I don’t need to be exact.”

Elder Olson confided that another worry he struggled with that week was wasting his time and rebelling against God, and so he couldn’t get God’s grace. Then he thought that he was so weak that he didn’t belong on a mission. But he was able to come up with logic that all of us have weaknesses, and that maybe he’s a little too hard on himself, a little too severe.

Let’s jump out of Elder Olson’s story to ask, “Where do I get wisdom on perfectionism to help my loved one?”  Both the Holland and Nelson quotes came from the church website with the search term “perfectionism.” The idea here is to empower our children to find wisdom for themselves. In session, elder Olson and I asked Google, “Why is perfectionism such a big problem in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?” We reviewed an article out of ldsliving.com on Perfectionism (Wagner, D. B., LDS Perfectionism: research Reveals Pros & Cons) where  Professors Allen and Wang interviewed 267 highly active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who were young Utah adults in their 20s.  22% were not found to be perfectionists, they didn’t believe they hold themselves to high personal standards. The other 78% were considered perfectionists (oh dear, are 78% really perfectionists? That’s high!), but 47% of those 78% where considered an adaptive or healthy perfectionism for two reasons:  a) they were more inwardly and outwardly committed to their faith so perhaps they felt more love from God and b) even when they failed or fell short of the goals and standards they set for themselves they felt more acceptance and perhaps more love for themselves. This is where anxiously engaged in a good cause is a good thing. (D&C 58:27)

The other 30% were considered maladaptive and unhealthy perfectionists. They felt less satisfaction with life and more depression and anxiety and perhaps less love for God and for themselves. And most troublesome in this 30% was increased scrupulosity, which is the fear of sinful behavior and punishment from God. This is where anxiously engaged in a good cause is just anxious. (D&C 58:27)

In a later session, I asked Elder Olson to consider his behavior of stopping all missionary work and praying for 45 minutes 

Did it fit in the healthy camp or the unhealthy camp? He was able to see that this behavior was scrupulosity. Elder Olson was quick to identify and change and he was able to stay on his mission and learn to function. I met missionaries who could not comprehend how their perfectionism was hurting themselves and those around them and were better off transferring from their teaching mission to a church service mission where they could live at home and get the years of counseling they needed.

Let’s jump back into Elder Olson’s session. At this point you might be asking yourself, “OK, we’ve done some worries and some wisdom, but how do I help a person be less hard on themselves, to be less severe?”

I said, “Elder, Mosiah 4:30 tells us to watch our thoughts. In order to be kinder to yourself, which of your thoughts this week do we need to watch, to red flag? Which ones were really mean and harshly critical?” 

He identified:

• not good enough
• not exact
• not strictly obedient
• had to do a perfect job the rest of the day
• wasting my time
• rebelling against God so I don’t get his grace

I said, “The problem is these mean, harsh, and critical things you said to yourself thousands of times aren’t just negative thinking, they’ve become firm beliefs.”

He said, “I know, I know. How do I fix this?”

“Here’s an analogy: Think of an orange plastic Gott 5-gallon water container that over the years is just full of your negative thoughts. Only now you’ve thought about them so many times they've become negative beliefs. How to get them out? Push the spigot at the bottom and let them drain and put new “water,” new thoughts, on the top.

“How can you get positive thoughts in? It’s hard. You are resistant to believing them. Your natural man is in charge. He has control of your brain. It’s going to take something powerful and unusual to get past your natural man and let those thoughts in.

“So I’m going to suggest something powerful and unusual. How about scripture meditation?” 

You say, “Wait! Isn’t meditation that woo woo stuff where people sit in the lotus position, cross their legs, say a mantra, and go to their happy mountain place in their mind with green grass and trees, a bubbling brook, and a fawn lapping at the water, and butterflies?”

I say, “Yes, and If it’s really special, there’s a rainbow and a unicorn.”

So here’s a quote where President David O. McKay talks about scripture meditation. 

He said: “We pay too little attention to the value of meditation, a principle of devotion. Meditation is the language of the soul. It is defined as ‘a form of private devotion, or spiritual exercise, consisting in deep, continued reflection on some religious theme.’ Meditation is a form of prayer.... [It] is one of the most secret, most sacred doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord.” (McKay, D. O. Consciousness of God: Supreme Goal of life, General Conference April 1967)

“How is rainbow and unicorn or eastern meditation different from this form of prayer?” 

Elder Olson said, “A reflection on some religious theme, a spiritual exercise that helps me change and get into the presence of God.”

I said, “Yes. Most mediation in the world is not a prayer, not a religious theme. It’s not sacred. Okay, let’s try one. Let’s go to a passage so positive, so important, such a good belief about yourself that the Savior has everyone say it two times every week. Here’s this uber important scripture: Moroni 4:3, the sacrament prayer. Can you pick out a phrase that you could make into a scripture meditation?”

He said, “And always remember Him…that they may always have His Spirit to be with them.”

“Now make it into a personal affirmation, first person, short, positive.”

“I remember him always; I always have His Spirit to be with me.”

I said, ”That’s it, Elder. That’s so spiritual and affirming.” 

“Now we’ve done step three: The word of God, or “What would God say?”  Let’s move onto step 4: ‘Find Your Why’.”

Let me explain about "Finding Your Why.” Finding your why started with motivational interviewing. If drug and alcohol addicts, the hardest people to change because their brains are rewired, can “Find their Why Stop Using,” they use fewer drugs or alcohol after just one or two sessions of counseling. And in follow up studies, they were less likely to use up to two years later. So that tells us that “Finding Your Why” is extremely motivational.

I have found with my clients that “Finding Your Why” and posting it where you read it often can be very motivational. We usually focus on how we are going to change, and it doesn’t work. It’s much more effective to find your why.we are going to change and stick it on your mirror.

Simon Sinek (Sinek, S. (2017) Start With Why: How great leaders Inspire everyone to take action. Penguin Audio.) states that “Finding Your Why” means finding the single core belief that inspires you to do the work you choose to do and be the person you want to be.   

A study on finding your why, showed that people who feel a sense of purpose in their lives are able to handle trials and stress and calm themselves. (Hill, P.L, Sin, N. L, Turiano, N.A.,Burrow, A. L., Almeida, D.M., (2018) Sense of Purpose Moderates the Associations Between Daily Stressors and Daily Well-being. Society of Behavioral medicine.)

I said, “Why is, ‘I always remember Him. I always have His Spirit to be with me.’ so helpful?.”

Elder Olson said, “Because, like we talked about last time, I do a lot of good things every day on the mission to always remember Him instead of dismissing them as not good enough. I can give myself credit. Christ is promising I can have His Spirit to be with me.”

I said, “And what would that look like?”

He said, “Oh, my. If His Spirit was always with me, I’d get inspiration on what to do, who to talk to, how to make better decisions and help more people, how to say inspired things to help people come to Christ.” 

So we wrote his list: Why use meditation scriptures? A. To have His Spirit to be with you,  B. Get more inspiration, C. Help people, D. Bring people to Christ.

“And if your natural man starts the attack, saying you are not good enough, not exact, not strictly obedient?”

Elder Olson said, “I could say, I always remember Him . I always have His Spirit to be with me.”

OK, now I have a personal example that will illustrate how to let the good in so the beliefs can change. When I came on the mission it was fall. Warm and sunny. The sun was setting at 8:30pm. I had three hours at night to make dinner and go for a walk outside and get some exercise and destress from doing 6 or 7 draining missionary counseling appointments.Then it started to be winter. Now the sun is setting at 5:30pm, and I’m still working on my notes. It’s too late in the day to get sunshine. I have seasonal affective disorder, that means I can’t handle the dark. I can’t walk outside in the dark city, it’s dangerous. I’m getting depressed. So during the day I sit by the window, but it’s cloudy, and we don’t have central heating. I’m huddled around a little space heater. How does a depressed counselor help others? “Sorry, Elder, I don’t have an answer, I’m too depressed myself.” I'm having a hard time sleeping, I’m feeling like a failure, worrying so much. I decided I needed help. Then I started assigning missionaries scripture meditation and I said, “Hey, why do they get all the good stuff? I need this!”

I lay in my bed at night, and instead of worrying and thinking about the problems, I start with my feet and I relax them, I say, my feet are relaxing into the soft bed, then my calves relaxing into the soft bed, then my thighs, then my hips, then my torso, my hands, my arms, my shoulders, my neck. When I’m completely relaxed, I say, “I always remember Him; I always have His Spirit to be with me.”

I try to picture good things I did that day. I’m kind to myself. I think about good things I felt impressed to say and do. If something negative comes in my mind, I flush it out and say my scripture meditation again. I go into a calm sleep with a smile on my face. It really made a difference. I was able to hang on managing the depression, to keep doing my work.

If I wake up in the night I’m usually worrying, so I say it again.

And if I catch myself worrying during the day, I say it again.

“Elder, let’s go back to finding your why. Why have a scripture meditation that helps you with worries?”

He said, “A. to have His spirit to be with me, B. Get more inspiration,  C. Help people,  D. Bring people to Christ.

“I could be the missionary I’ve always dreamed of.”

That’s it for today.  Live like his Son, help others on their way.