How to Counsel Like the Savior: And Help Your Child Battle Pornography

What will you say when your teen son says, "I'm so depressed.  I try to stop using porn but every three weeks, I get stressed and I break down and use again."

This has become a pervasive problem.  Almost every family I know has to deal with pornography.

I will teach you how to use the 4Ws- Worries, Wisdom and Word to help your teen achieve true love, and avoid counterfeit love.

Transcript

Hello. I’m Dr. Tracy Hogan McMillan.  As we learn how to counsel your children like the Savior,  I’d like to discuss  how to help your child avoid counterfeit love and achieve true love. You might want to use your earbuds for this one.  It isn't for little ears. We’ll be talking about a false love, a blight on marriage called pornography.  I call it a pervasive poison because one Mission Leader told me he thought 50% of his missionaries were struggling with it, that it was obstructing the spirit and  hindering their work.

To help you discuss porn with your child I’ll show you how the 4Ws  Worries, Wisdom Word  and Why can really help.

Let’s say you are speaking with your 16 year old son Adam. 

He says, "I feel depressed. What's wrong with me? I can’t seem to stop myself from looking at porn.  I'm good for about 3 weeks.  Then I have a really bad day and I get stressed and look at porn and masturbate.  Then I feel awful about myself.  I know it's wrong, I want to be worthy to go on a mission in 2 years.  I know it’s not what God wants me to do." 

And you think. "Oh goodness, how do I help?  What should I say? The first thought that flashes into your mind is probably, but I’ve been talking to you about this since you were 9 years old.  Why didn’t you listen?  And your gut reaction probably and overreaction is oh my gosh, This is out of control, You are becoming an addict.  Ach. But that might make him feel worse, more guilty.  He’s already feeling guilty.   But I want to encourage him, Help him out of love, not guilt.  I want him to feel there is hope and healing through the Savior Jesus Christ. What do I say to access that?'

Then you remember the 4 W's. Step 1 is Worries::  write worries on a page and what he says underneath and then to summarize and reflect

You say, “Oh son. That sounds very discouraging.  Sounds like you are able to be strong and fight it until you get worn down. And then it’s your go to drug. It causes a few moments of relief from stress, but then you feel guilty for lack of self-mastery and you feel so much worse."

And why is that so good?  Because with summarizing and reflecting, You are not saying you agree with him, you are not staying, you agree with his behavior, but you are saying you support him in his desire to get control, you care about him, you want to help.

 Step 2:  Wisdom. Facts and logic.  OK son, I don’t want to tell you what to do, I want you to come up with the answer.  Let’s discuss some logic and facts. Wisdom helps you move the thinking from the emotional brain where you feel depressed to the logical brain where you can dissect the problem and come up with something you feel inspired to do.

You say, "Son, what are some facts and wisdom about Pornography.”

He said, “If I can’t overcome this addiction it will ruin my marriage.”

I say, I’ll write that under  the  wisdom and Lets discuss in detail why you are right.  God designed your body to have normal and natural highs. Humans have small dopamine highs during the day. Let’s give examples of natural highs from 0-10 with 10 high. Exercising might be a 4, eating a 4, serving a 5, teaching someone about Jesus Christ a 5 ,then there’s hugging a 5 and kissing a 7,  all these are  natural highs..  And someday when you’re married that first 18 months when sex is new and exciting you can get up to 10s in dopamine.    

But Satan does not want you to be happy with natural highs. He wants to sabotage real love and marriage .  So he tempts you with pornography and masturbation. The  dopamine rush is so strong, it surges right past natural highs and clocks in at about a 20.  Then when your dopamine system is spent, depleted of its drug you drop down to a  low of  -20 .  Ouch it’s really miserable down there.  . In an addiction that dopamine rush at  20 changes your brain. 

The dopamine is like a wildfire burning through your brain.  Now natural highs at a 5 or a 10 aren’t good enough.  Your brain craves the 20’s.  It’s a drug. This high, this explosion of fire becomes more important than anything else in the world, more important than eating, than your wife, than survival.  Some porn viewers learn to think of people as objects to be used and discarded, in order to move on to the next drug fix.  And this is the really sad part, In marriage, the wife is no longer exciting.  How can she compete with the 20 in artificial dopamine? , she’s  at best a 10 in natural dopamine.  Your wife now is boring.  She’s  not a priority because the drug is the biggest priority,  

Let me paint a picture of a real marriage where one person is a porn addict. I had a client who married a brilliant man who eventually became a wealthy physician.  When they were dating he  paid her a lot of attention, he was very affectionate.. She thought, well this is a good thing right, oh the love is strong, he just wants me so much.   But a few months after the wedding.  He didn't even touch her.  He doesn’t act one bit interested. She told me that she could always tell when he was viewing porn, because he was really mean to her.   At first he stopped holding her hand and then he stopped  hugging and kissing her, Then sexual intimacy became mechanical.  His heart just wasn’t in it.  She tries to change things and  pleads for some appropriate attention. Even just some conversation or to go out on a date.  But when she tries to talk to him about any issue he gets angry and sleeps in the guest bedroom.  She ended up in a desperately disappointing and lonely marriage.

What’s wrong with him?  It’s called intimacy anorexia. He’s not interested in touching her at all.  One problem is a porn and masturbation at a 20 is such an easy drug, instant gratification that she can’t compete.   I’m going to say this clearly, so there is no misunderstanding.  

Pornography is a marriage buster.  Porn is a type of sexual addiction and addiction destroys marriage. I ask Adam, 

Step 3:  What would God Say

Adam says, “Mosiah 3:19” The natural man is an enemy to God.

I said, “That's fabulous scripture for this discussion.  Can you apply it to yourself using your name, and substitute self mastery for the words “becometh a saint?”

He said, “If I Adam act as a natural man, I am an enemy to God and will be forever unless I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit…and have self mastery.”

In order to understand what God wants you to do with your habit, Let’s rephrase Moses 3:24 as first person.

Adam said,  “I shall leave my father and my mother and I shall cleave unto my wife and we will be one flesh”.

 What does that mean to you?   Well, if you can get self-mastery you and your spouse will be able to have the wonderful natural highs that God intended. And the two of you can bond. It’s not just a sexual bonding, it’s physical, spiritual, mental, emotional cleaving.   

So, let me try to paint a picture of cleaving. What does it feel like?  What does it feel like

I think it’s important I carefully and discreetly tell you about bonding for me.  After a 40 year marriage that could not be fixed..  God blessed me with my husband Mac. .  Ohhh it was so worth the wait!  The amount!  The intensity!  After all that time I have the opportunity to experience bonding and  cleaving. 

When you’ve seen porn, you’ve seen the lie that the level 20 in dopamine is love..   It’s  hard to picture that you can be so much happier with a constant stream of level 10 in dopamine because there is no downside!!  But porn creates a wildfire that destroys everything in it’s path, nothing left but charred remains.  Bonding is more like a warm campfire on a cold night.  Not flashy but so comforting and no destruction.  You don’t see cleaving on the screens.  That’s why with all my heart I must describe to you what it’s like.  When Mac and I were serving as mental health missionaries in Chile, he made breakfast while I did my hair.  It’s so unselfish and the winter morning is so cold  but he brings steaming plates to our computer table.. I want you to notice the importance of gratitude when I’m telling you about bonding.  Instead of saying “Oh thanks for breakfast We understand what makes a good compliment.:  When you did _______(describe the behavior)-this is how it affects me, this is how I feel.

Elder McMillan, when you made us oatmeal I’m so grateful.  It’s so you remembered the chopped apple and raisins. You are the best companion known to Chile.  Then we study, come follow me together and there's an interplay of eating-a physical natural high.  And gratitude- an emotional natural high.  And the scripture study- a spiritual natural high. 

Now we are home.. We are the only ones in the house, he pushes me into a pantry, turns off the lights and whispers “No one can see us,  I’ve got that pantry feeling”. and he kisses me.  And my day has been hard,  counseling can be so draining. I feel so bad for the agony some clients suffer.  It’s surprising how comforting a laugh and hug, in the pantry can make you feel like everything and everyone is going to be alright..

But let me tell you about unselfishness…

A few months ago, my husband went on a full time  mission to be my assistant and support me by getting all the missionaries scheduled for counseling.  I’m so flabbergasted that he would do that. Another thing he did on the mission was the  addiction recovery class online. He was a pilot for 36 years so facilitating this class is a new thing for him, teaching this class makes him  stretch and grow. I could hear him and see him facilitating the church's 12-step class and he’d have tears in his eyes when a missionary bore his testimony. I am so grateful to work with my husband Mac . ..”G. K. Chesterton, who said once “that thanks are the highest form of thought; and…gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”  I am so incredibly grateful to be able to cleave that my happiness is doubled by wonder.  I just have to hug him and  I say,  “When I see you helping the missionaries master their cravings and take on Christlike attributes it’s such a spiritual high.. 

Buying groceries:  Right in the middle of the detergent aisle, My husband  puts his arms around me and looks into my eyes” Oh I’ve got that Walmart feeling.” It means even Walmart can be a romantic place because we can picture eternity together. 

 Let me tell you what that's like in bed.  Don’t worry this is pg rated. And this is the ultimate sacrifice.  I’m always 10 degrees colder and at night when I get into bed and my toes are ice cubes, I say, “Thank you for letting me  cuddle up to you in bed and warm myself on your wonderful backside.”  Instead of BTU’s or British Thermal Units, I call his backside the Buttockumal Thermal Units  God made human bodies to have all these sensory neurons.  It’s such a natural high to touch the skin of someone you are crazy about spiritually, mentally, emotionally..   I am totally mesmerized by my husband and I love caressing his skin.  I am 68, think of all the years of happiness you have in store at your young age.  The wonder of our bodies and healthy sexuality is so fulfilling, it’s the happiness God intended for us. Instead of destruction, Healthy Sexuality can be  like the slow burn, the warm campfire.

Step 4 Why.  I say,  So Adam, Why do whatever it takes… to give up pornography?  We made a list.

#1. So I can have self mastery and be happy with Natural highs. 10’s instead of 20’s

#2. So I can make my wife happy

#3.  So my wife will stay exciting and I won’t get bored.

#4.So I can experience the amazing happiness that comes from cleaving/bonding.

#5. So I can hear and  listen to the enticings of the Holy Spirit

I say, "Adam, And now you have your why’s, let's talk about what’s just one thing you feel impressed to change?  Has the Holy Ghost been pestering you?  What’s the next step to self-mastery?”