How to Counsel Like the Savior: What to Say When Your Child is Depressed/Angry

What will you say when your child's go to emotion is anger?  This is the story of how I found the recipe to help someone with depression/anger to heal through Christ.

Transcript

When my husband and I went to Santiago, Chile, to do a mental health mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, our job was to provide counseling for the English-speaking missionaries. 

We were one of many senior missionary couples in our apartment building. There were humanitarian missionaries, and the area medical missionaries, and business entrepreneurship volunteers, all of whom we really liked. We’d all get together on Sundays for dinner, sometimes as many as  25 people. This was so stressful because all we had was a tiny, tiny kitchen with 4 square inches of counter space and only 6 plates and 6 forks.  

 When it was my turn to cook, I really wanted to do a good job and get it right. I made this chicken, and the recipe said to slow cook it in a low heat oven for four hours. But when we sat down to eat and tried to stick out forks and knives into our meat, ach! The chicken was as hard as a rock. How embarrassing! What went wrong? I had set the oven to a warm 180 degrees and I forgot it was a Celsius oven at 356 degrees Fahrenheit. The humanitarian missionaries had been helping distribute tents to homeless fire victims. She felt sorry for me: “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll just take these chicken rocks. The homeless need to weigh down the sides of their tents.”

So, the problem was I didn’t have the recipe right. But this isn't about food, it's about the most important recipe in my life. Two years ago, we moved to Florida, and the stake president called me on a work-from-home counseling mission. I’ve really started to try to find the secret recipe to help people with problems, I’ve been searching for a way to counsel like the Savior. To counsel like the Savior, you’d need to find out his mind and will on your problems.  

D&C 6: 36: “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.” I get from that we are supposed to take our doubts and fears to God. To look to Him. To try to think like He thinks, to take on His attributes.

So as a volunteer counselor in Florida, I’d summarize their 1) losses. Then we’d throw some 2) logic at those problems. I would ask them, “Well, what would God say about your problem?” I discovered that most people, myself included, do not know. They’d say, “Well, that He loves me?” I’d say, “That’s good, but I bet you can get more specific than that. Can you find a scripture, the word of God that helps?” And, we’d go to the church website and google to find scriptures that helped them feel God’s love, and feel the spirit and get ideas to solve their problems. I was getting better at the recipe.

Florida was part-time with people of faith. Then, Elder Rasband gave a talk in general conference, October 2023, encouraging seniors to sign up for missions, and the Spirit whispered, “You can do more.” We made our way to Chile for a full-time counseling mission with the English-speaking missionaries. These are men and women who study scriptures much of the day. They are really immersed in God’s word. If I said, “What would God say, about your doubts and fears, your anxiety and depression?” They’d have something great they’d read that week. 

So, It was while in Chile I perfected the secret recipe to counsel like the Savior. I call it the 4Ws which stands for worries, wisdom, word, and why. Now my mission is to help you to use them with people you love, even if that is yourselves. 

For example, one of the mission leaders called me. “I have an elder that’s so angry and so mouthy he’s burned every relationship on his mission. He’s from Ireland, and his name is Elder Sullivan. (Now I’ve changed a few of the details to protect his identity.) In ward council, the bishop noticed he was huffing and rolling his eyes while they discussed having a less-active sister donate daisies for the centerpieces for the ward social, and Elder Sullivan* was groaning and rolling his eyes and muttering. ‘Just stop it! Leave it out! All this talk of daisies is off your rockers!! You’re all a bunch of boggers and plonkers (which I believe meant stupid idiots). If you paid half as much attention to the missionary work as the stupid flowers, our friends would be baptized and our new converts would be translated.’ Then he stomped out. He’s very hardworking but has no patience. I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’m out of ideas.

“Nobody in that ward wanted to work with him. I had to emergency transfer him to a new area the next day. Over and over, in order to help him, I’ve paired him up with long-suffering elders who are patient, but he’s so mean it eventually tears even the best missionary down. We sent him to the psychiatrist for medicine, but it doesn’t seem to help. I’ve run out of good companions. He is definitely one of the most difficult missionaries I’ve known. Is there anything you can do to help him have a filter and stop verbally assaulting people?”

Well, when it was my appointment time with Elder Sullivan* I had brushed up on my Irish slang and I said, “Whassa Story?” So he proceeded with his worries.

1-    He wanted to love his mission but all he felt was either angry or numb. There was a lot of depression in his family. His mom had bi-polar depression and struggled with it all her life. There was a lot of drama when she was manic. She had tried a lot of different medications. There was a brother who had committed suicide. He had come on the mission to escape home and hoped to feel some joy in his service. 

2-    The people in his area were not committed. They’d knock doors or street contact for hours, and he’d be so knackered (which I think meant exhausted), and if they finally set up a lesson and then they went back for the appointment, the people weren’t home. Elder Sullivan* would be angry for hours. Or, they’d promise to come to church but make an excuse like “I’m sick.” When it’s cold and dark, they don’t want to get out of bed. They had very few dinners and even fewer member referrals. He was so disappointed.

3-    . It was a rough, poor area, and it made him feel depressed, and he called them peasants and said they were manky and so scruffy (screewfie), smelly, and making such bad decisions. There were a lot of drugs, empty cocaine baggies in the street, and people in the park who were high. A gang with knives pushed him and his companion down to the ground and robbed his cell phone. He hated his area.

4-    His companions didn’t value his opinion. They wanted to do things their way. He tried to reason with them, but that left him so angry, he couldn’t go to sleep at night. He’d try so hard to sleep but he was watching the clock at 2:00 am. Then he’d be short tempered and sleepy all the next day. 

And I have to tell you it was Alma 31 for me. My heart was grieved about what I could do. I mean I’m only human, and the most they will give me is 9 sessions. In verse 30 of Alma 31, it says words like these: “O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou give me strength, wilt thou comfort my soul. Wilt thou grant unto me that I may have success in bringing this precious soul again unto Christ.” 

And the spirit whispered, “Heavenly Father has inspired you with the 4Ws which is a way to help someone take a deep dive into the scriptures, and look to God in every thought.”  

 So, for the first W-Worry. After we wrote down his big four worries, then I gave him emotional support by summarizing his worries. It sounded something like this:

“You are frustrated that it takes hours of contacting to get an appointment and when you do, the people aren’t there. Then you get so angry when your companions don’t want to follow your good ideas and inspiration. And, Elder, it must be so discouraging to see drug use and crime. That's the worst cell phone robbery I’ve heard from any of the missionaries. You must have had some real moments of terror.” 

He said, “No, it’s not terror, I’m just more mad.”

  The second W: Wisdom. When you come up with logic and wisdom, you move from the emotional part of the brain to the frontal cortex, the logical part. I said, “Elder Sullivan, let's throw some logic at all these worries.”

What’s some logic on “The people weren’t committed, and it was so hard to do missionary work?” 

He said, “Well, they have their free agency,” Good. Good.

What about wisdom on the many lessons that fell through and the grinding pressure he felt to find and baptize?

He said, “Well, it’s not always that people disappoint us.” There was a day when he and his companion were so discouraged because of no shows that they I stopped on the street and prayed. A surprise lesson was set up.” With God I can have the faith to move mountains.”

I said, “Great wisdom, Elder. Let me go back into your history with some facts or wisdom for you. One of the reasons you are so angry is because you are depressed. Women typically show depression as sadness. They go inward with it. Men show depression as anger, they go outward with it. 

“Why are you so depressed and angry? I believe it is because your parents were so absorbed with your mom’s bi-polar depression and her needs that there was very little time or appropriate attention for you and your needs. That causes a loss of trust. You couldn’t trust them to give your appropriate attention. You couldn’t bond with them, which makes you insecurely attached. For instance, if you had a girlfriend in high school, and she broke up with you, and it really hurt, who would you go to, your mom or your dad?” 

He said, “Neither. I couldn’t talk to either one. But I was a loner and I didn't have any friends in high school. I didn’t confide in anyone. I didn’t trust anyone.”

        I said, “Exactly. Your type of insecure attachment is called avoidant attachment. Avoidantly attached people avoid getting close to others. I suspect you use your anger and criticism to push your companions away. We need to discuss ways to heal and make avoidant attachment into secure attachment.

“Good news is you are already doing one of them. Bond with a therapist, use me as a substitute parental unit, because I will listen intently and summarize you. That gives you appropriate attention. We are doing that right now. 

“And another is to bond with God. I know in your initial session you said you felt close to God a 7 out of 10 when you were studying, but out on the streets, interacting with people it was much lower, like a 3 out of 10 with 10 high. If you are closer to God, you are naturally going to be able to love others more. An average of 7 and 3 is 5 in closeness to God. What would it take to move that score up just one point?” 

        He thought for a minute, trying to hear the Spirit. He said, “My companion and I have a hard time communicating. So a couple weeks ago he suggested that we talk about what we are grateful for. Five things every day as we walk around. I do think when I’m concentrating on what I’m thankful for, I do feel a little better.”

        I said, “Yes, that’s really good. Anger and gratitude can’t co-exist in the brain, so if you can feel grateful, you displace the anger.         

“Let's discuss some ideas here, some wisdom on gratitude. If you google ‘How to increase gratitude,’ you’ll see lots of psychologists and counselors encouraging people to build a gratitude practice, or do a habit that increases gratitude daily. But not all gratitude practices are created equal. 

        “There is a new study that might explain why sharing your blessings with your companion is good, but isn't helping as much as you would like.

        “Researchers had participants do one of three things every week for a month:

1)    Make lists of things they’re grateful for

2)    Write a letter to someone they appreciate

3)    Express gratitude to God for his actions in their lives

“Guess which of the three were happier? The first group of just gratitude lists (especially material blessings) didn’t help that much. It actually suppressed levels of empathy The second group, writing a letter to show appreciation to others, was also helpful to make people feel empathy, and some were even more likely to donate to a charity. 

“The third group, thanking God, helped people feel the higher levels of empathy and transcendent indebtedness. These people reported recognizing God made them feel joy. 

“Tice, one of the researchers, said, ‘Remember who you are grateful to is better than remembering what you are grateful for.’” (Nelson, J. M., Hardy, S. A., Tice, D., & Schnitker, S. A. (2024). Returning thanks to God and others: Prosocial consequences of transcendent indebtedness. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 19(1), 121–135. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2023.2190926.)

  I said, “So, Elder, I know of a gratitude practice that expresses gratitude to God, And when I’ve used it it’s like  gratitude practice on steroids. 

“Emmons & McCullough, (2003) manipulated gratitude to see the effect on well-being when they had depressed participants keep weekly (study 1), or daily (study 2), gratitude journals. Their most robust finding was a positive correlation between a conscious focus on blessings and positive affect increase in well-being. The daily gratitude journaling group reported greater enthusiasm, alertness, and determination, and was significantly more likely to make progress toward key goals. Interestingly, this group was more likely to offer help and support to other people.

“So what applies to you about this study?”

He said, “A gratitude journal might decrease my depression.”

I said, “Yes, because of the 4Ws the third one is Word or the words of God about gratitude.”

“President Nelson says, ‘It's His will for us to give thanks in everything.’ (1 thessalonians:18)  And President Nelson, the famous heart surgeon, in his medical ways said that gratitude has a healing power. He said ‘Counting our blessings is far better than recounting our problems… showing gratitude for our privileges is a unique, fast-acting, and long-lasting spiritual prescription.’

“Elder, how do these words of God apply to you?”

He said, “If I was more thankful, I might be able to heal the depression.”

So there’s several ways to keep a gratitude journal. Here’s my favorite. I incorporate it into my morning prayer. I take a spiral lined notebook and draw two vertical lines down so I have three columns.  The column to the left is for “Thanks.” The middle column is for “Asks.”  The third  column, on the right, is for “To do.”

To increase my gratitude, I try very hard to fill all 26 lines of thanks. I write one word and pray a whole sentence about it. Let’s look at this morning. I wrote the word “Gratitude.” I said I’m so thankful for the research I found that supports the idea that there’s 3 different levels of gratitude, material things, then people, then God. It helps me understand how to have the kind of gratitude that will make me happier.

     W# 4. WHY Find your Why.  When you find your why you are making a list of why you are going to do the one thing you felt inspired to do to take that first step to change your problems.   So, remember he had felt impressed to increase his gratitude. So, we made a list of why to keep a gratitude journal, 1) so I can feel closer to God and have his spirit to be with me  2) more  happiness less anger 3) so I can love others. If you put this on your mirror so you read it each morning, you’ll feel all kinds of motivated. 

The next time we met, Elder Sullivan had done his homework to keep a gratitude journal.  And he had done his homework to find scriptures that applied to his anger problem.

Elder Sullivan said, “Sister McMillan. I can’t wait to share what I found. Take a look at  D&C 78:19. ’And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious: and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.’”

I said, “Okay, paraphrase it with your name.”

“If I can be thankful for all things I will be happy and have more blessings.”

He said, “My life was pretty joyless and gray. But with all these efforts I’m making to talk to my companion about five things I’m thankful for, and focus on gratitude in my prayers, I am starting to feel different.”

.  He was softening. He was changing. You might call it epic.

Then only after about 6 sessions, the mission president felt impressed to move Elder Sullivan back into his old ward—remember the one he was kind of kicked out of for yelling at the ward council? And he felt impressed to give the same companion another chance.

I worried, “Oh no! How is he going to treat these people?”        

 Elder Sullivan reported the first thing he did was apologize to the bishop. 

And I said, “How did that go?” 

“Oh, he’s a really grand guy.” 

“Well I know you didn’t like your previous companion.”

“Oh, he’s changed. Now he’s grand.”

. He said the people in that ward had changed, and he liked them. I said, “Wow, Elder, that’s amazing that all those people have changed since you were there a year ago.”  

He told me, “I gotta quit counseling, this was our last appointment. I’m too busy for counseling.”

        Whaaat? My jaw dropped. If I had dentures they’d be in the dirt. How’d that happen so fast? What could have caused this transformation? It can take years for a person to use their therapist as a substitute parent and foster secure attachment. 

I wondered was it the change in his medicine?

• Could have been he was using a gratitude journal, and he started to see his blessings and there wasn’t time or room in his brain for being so mad at everyone everything.   
• Could have been the 4Ws were helping him go from worries to wisdom, to more logic, using his frontal cortex, executive control instead of his emotional limbic system.
•  Could have been he was immersing himself in the words of God and and through the 4th W he was finding all these great mental health scriptures and applying them to himself. He was hearing the voice of God in his scripture study and feeling the Spirit.
•  Could have been when he did the 4th W, the why–his behavior was changing.

In summary, the 4Ws are writing down your 1)worries, summarizing them, throwing 2) wisdom and logic at them, then applying the 3) Word of God and feeling impressed to change just one thing and finding your 4) Why. Make a list of why change that one thing you feel impressed to change. Those Whys will motivate you like nothing else.  

 I know the 4Ws will help you or someone you love to look to God in every thought and doubt not, fear not. They can help with depression and anger and find healing through Jesus Christ.

Well, that’s it for today.  Live like his Son, help others on their way.