Counsel Like the Savior: Sexual Identity Part 2

This is part 2 of how to help your child or you client when she says, "I think I might be bisexual." We discuss how it's possible to have "the blessed and happy state" of temple marriage.  I will show you how to use the 4W's to Counsel like the Savior, and help like the Savior.

Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Tracy Hogan McMillan. If you are listening to this as part of your Come Follow Me study, today I’m going to apply Alma  chap  43-52. Disclaimer: I'm talking about gender issues and sexual identity, this is not a podcast for little ears.

 You may have noticed that the last 6 podcasts in the happiness ladder were about “How to Counsel Like the Savior.” This was a skill I felt inspired to develop on my counseling mission in Chile, South America. Whether you are a parent or a counselor, we’ll discuss some remarkable mental health scriptures which prepare you to say the things Jesus would say and help the way Jesus would help.

This is part two .What do you say when your kid says, “I’m wondering if I could be bi-sexual?”

In part 1, Peyton, my 15-year-old client, and I had gone over her worries which are step 1 and we were working on step 2, throwing logic and wisdom at those worries. She made the volleyball team, but was told to really make the team she had to be bi-sexual.

Let's start with the last idea on cleaving.

Fact: There are many things that ruin the ability to cleave or bond. Bonding in marriage is a  beautifully intimate phenomenon. To understand it better let’s go through the opposite of cleaving or bonding. One bond killer is a pornography addiction. Another bond-killer is childhood abuse. I’ve seen marriages explode because one of the spouses had deep wounds from a terribly critical parent and could not love, could not develop secure attachment. And people don’t tell you this when they are trying to encourage you be bi-curious, but another marriage bond-killer is same-sex attraction. I have a client now who is so broken-hearted because his wife was fine when they first got married, but after three kids, she ‘lost interest’ in him. She says her skin is too sensitive. She makes him sleep in the basement. She rejects him, she won’t have sex with him unless he begs and pleads, and then she just lays there like a dead fish. He feels so unwanted and unloved. She had experimented with being bisexual before they got married, and I think she tried to be attracted to him, but when marriage gets rough like all marriages do, she realized she prefers women.”

Peyton was crying. I said, “Peyton, what are you thinking? How does any of this wisdom apply to you?”

Peyton said, ”I have to tell you about last weekend. I think I still want to have a family someday with the hot husband and the palomino. I think that will make me so happy. But at a party after the game, Addison (the team captain) was looking straight at me and said that having children was a stupid, prehistoric idea. ‘Men are selfish pigs, so why get married, and having children just made you a breeder.’ And everyone laughed, and my face just went hot and red. I didn’t know what to say. I felt so ashamed. I was still upset when she started a game of spin the bottle, and I had to kiss three girls on my team. Part of me felt weird, but then I started to get used to it and it was kind of fun. I want to fit in. I want to be on this team, but part of me feels like I’m forced to do something I don’t want to do, or I’m not ready to do. I feel so confused. And I just want people to like me.”

“Okay, let me summarize those worries. What I hear you saying is on one hand is your goal is temple marriage and children. And you think following the Savior and keeping your covenants will bring you joy in this life and the next. But, Addison, the captain of the Falcons, is very critical of the goals you hold so dear, and you feel pressure from her to kiss and date girls. 

“Did I get that right?”  She nodded.

I said, “When you said you felt excited to kiss those girls, you may have been feeling dopamine. We all have dopamine as natural highs every day. A little spike of dopamine when we eat, when we finish a project, even when we talk to someone we consider attractive. Dopamine is that feel good chemical that makes you seek out a similar experience so you’ll experience that dopamine spike again.

“Dopamine rewards start you down a path. Remember that guy I told you about with the critical military father? He told me he had a dopamine high every night in his bed, masturbating, thinking about sex with men. After a period of time that surge of dopamine will turn from just excitement to habits, and your brain changes, like in addiction.”  

#3 Word: “Let’s work on the words of God. Basically I’m wondering ‘what would God say to you?’   A loving Heavenly father who wants you to succeed?

She said, “That he loves me.”  

I said, “Yes, that’s so true, but I think we can do a little better than that. How about some scripture or some words of God about bi-sexual?  What comes to mind?”

She said, “I didn’t think there was scriptures on that.”

I said, “Oh, yes, lots.” But listen, I have to be honest here. This is the point where inside my head I’m just praying, pleading with God to help me come up with a good scripture. Sometimes I have had one since the worries, but other times like this one, I haven't a clue, so we type in “bi-sexual” into the search bar on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints website. That’s a great thing to do because it makes your child independent. It helps them realize they have tools to find scripture and quotes to find answers, you don’t want to be the sole repository of wisdom and the word of God!

I said, “First, you gotta know that there is a big difference in the church between same-sex attraction and homosexual behavior. Lets start with this quote: 

“People who experience same-sex attraction or identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual can make and keep covenants with God and fully and worthily participate in the Church. 

“So if you do choose to identify as bisexual and feel same sex attraction it is not a sin and does not stop you from participating in the Church. …The Savior Jesus Christ has a perfect understanding of every challenge we experience here on earth, and we can turn to Him for comfort, joy, hope, and direction. No matter what challenges we may face in life, we are all children of God, deserving of each other’s kindness and compassion.” (https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/same-sex-attraction?lang=eng#p2) 

If you ever feel like you are on the wrong path, remember there’s repentance. Which means what is learned can be unlearned. If there is something you’ve done that you feel uncomfortable about, you can always speak with the Bishop.

“When it comes to transgender, The General Handbook says, ‘Members who feel their inner sense of gender does not align with their biological sex at birth or who identify as transgender should be treated with sensitivity and Christlike love.’”  (General Handbook: Serving in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 38.6.23).

I said, “So how would you treat Addison, your team captain with  Christlike love?”

She said, “Just like you are always telling me, look for the good in her. She’s a great athlete and she’s funny.”

I said, “So true. Christ loves the good in her, and she’s got her free agency, she’s free to choose what she wants to do with her life.  But you don’t have to love the mean part of her that shames you. If she wants to embarrass and manipulate you and take away your freedom, you don’t have to love that part of her. You have your free agency, you are in charge of you.There is good and evil in everyone.It’s up to you to judge righteously.

“Let’s look at Alma Chapters 43-52. These are called the war chapters. It’s long so I’ll summarize. There is a story of this really selfish commander named Amalickiah. His goal was to be king of all the land. He was really good at hardening their hearts and blinding their minds to make them think his agenda was their agenda. He did this by stirring up the Lamanites to so much anger that they would attack the Nephites. He poisoned one leader who stood in his way and stabbed another leader and gained control of all the Lamanite armies (Alma 47:18). He cared so little about loss of life that in one battle there was a great bank of earth surrounding the Nephite fort, he didn’t care that 1000 of his soldiers lost their lives trying to get past that bank of earth. How many Nephites died? Not a single one. His men were expendable. He didn't care that his soldiers were husbands and fathers. He didn’t care that their wives would be robbed of their husbands, that their children would grow up without a dad to love and provide for them. His drive for power made him really anti-marriage, anti-children, and anti-family. But let's apply these chapters to ourselves and instead of a physical war, think about a psychological war on the family.

“So what’s going on when Addison tells you your goal to have children will make you just a breeder?”

Peyton said, “That’s anti-children.”

“Yes, and sounds like the ‘woke agenda’ and especially offensive because it makes parents and family people sound like merely cattle.  And it's also an affront to the 61% of bisexual women who choose to have children. (https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/lgbt-parenting-us/#:). It’s just hate speech in the reverse I guess.

“And what’s going on when Addison is trying to recruit you and pressure you to be bisexual when you’re confused and you’re not ready?”

Peyton said, “She’s taking away my freedom. It should be my choice.”

“And what’s going on when Addison tells you that men are pigs, and it's a terrible idea to love and marry one?”

Peyton said, “She’s anti-marriage?”

“And also so derogatory of half of God’s children, his sons. So in so many words, Addison wants you  to give up on your goal to have a temple marriage, which would be following the Savior Jesus Christ. Is she thinking of your happiness in this life and eternity, or herself?”

Peyton said, “Well, she acts like she likes me, but then she embarrasses me. It’s fake.”

“And what’s going on when she tries to win the hearts and minds of your team?  Does she want to be a leader? Does she want power? Might she be a little like Amalickiah?”

Peyton said, “She wants to be popular. She wants lots of attention, and I guess that’s power, and I don’t think she cares who she hurts.” 

“Could you read this scripture about Captain Moroni—the opposite of Amalickiah. He made a  flag to inspire his armies (Alma 46:12) to remind them of their spiritual identity.” 

Peyton said, “‘In memory of our God, our religion,and freedom and our peace, our wives and our children.’”

I said, “Okay, and if you apply this scripture to yourself, pretend you make a  poster and stick it up in your window about why you do things, about your goals and your faith so everyone would see what you really believe in. Paraphrase Captain Moroni.”

Peyton said, “I do things for my God, my religion, my freedom, and my peace, and my future husband and kids.”

“Good. Can you read  (Mosiah 2:41) and put your name in it? ‘Peyton, consider on the blessed and happy state if you keep the commandments of God. You are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if you hold out faithful to the end you are received into heaven, that thereby you may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness.’

I said, “How does this apply?”

She said, “If I continue to experiment with kissing girls, it becomes a habit.”

I said, “So true. Because we tend to repeat things that bring us dopamine, and seek for more of it. That is true of kissing girls or guys. Now comes the biggest question of the day, after reading these words of God, what is one thing you feel impressed to do?”

She said, “Try to be firm with Addison and the team, and tell them I’m not ready, and it’s a free country, and I refuse. If they say no, I could talk to my coach and try to move to another team. I could get my parents to help me if the coach won’t listen. If it gets really bad, I might just have to quit.”

I said, “Wow, that would be difficult. But kind of like Captain Moroni. Firm in the faith.”

“Yes,” she said. “Brave.”

“Now we are ready for W #4: Why means to find your why. A moment ago you felt impressed that the one thing you should do is to try to be firm with Addison and tell her you are not ready to kiss girls, or be bi. Here we want to make a list of why you might do that and stick it up on your mirror. Studies show if you review your why, you’ll find a way to make it happen. So. Why stand up for yourself and why wait for marriage to be sexually active?”  

She said, “If I make bi-sexual a habit, I might not be that attracted to my husband, and that might ruin my marriage.”

I said, “Oh, wow, that’s number one. A good one. In my experience and my clients' experience, marriage is hard enough without gender identity confusion. There are no perfect marriages, every marriage has at least one big problem. But you know, we read where God asks people not to act on their attractions. Some remain single for their whole life. Such a big sacrifice.  It has to be so lonely. I know of other same-gender-attracted and transgender individuals who In their desire to follow the Savior choose to devote themselves to a heterosexual temple marriage.  It’s harder than it sounds. They were honest with their prospective spouse. They can be great parents and try their best to be a good spouse. But it is really problematic for the spouse not to feel wanted, not to feel passion, not to feel like they are the first priority. These can be such challenging marriages, I honor those who are trying to do the right thing by God even if it’s a painful thing. 

I said, “Reason #2 Why be firm with Addison about not being ready to be bi-sexual and not being sexually active?”

She said, “So I might leave the door open to try to love a guy.”

I said, “I want to paint a picture for you of what a ‘blessed and happy state’ in marriage really looks like. My husband and I try to keep our covenants, and he is a man with testosterone who loves women. Sure, he notices other women, but he channels his attraction to me. Just me. He loves to caress me, he rubs my feet, he calls me curvy or his blondie. We started this thing yesterday. I said, ‘You know how you are always saying you want to serve me and love me so much that I’ll be mesmerized and I’ll never leave you. Well it’s working. You are so attractive to me spiritually, sexually, emotionally, mentally  that when I walk past you it’s like two big magnets.   Like this.’ And I take a few steps past him and I smash into him and wave my arms helplessly to the side. ‘Uncontrolled magnetism. I’m stuck and I can’t break free.’ And we giggle. A lot. And now, even in the grocery store, when we pass one of us says ‘magnets’ and we do it again. A happy state in marriage means you are crazy about each other, no competition, absolutely  no cheating even mentally with anyone outside the marriage. If we are having this much fun at 68 years old, think of marriage in your 20s, 30s, and 40s, all the youth and energy you can put into passion and compassion or happiness with your husband.”

I said, again. “So #3, Why?  Why would you make a change? Why would you do that one thing you felt impressed to do?”

She said, “Bi-sexual might cause complications. I want legit happiness.True love.”

That’s it for today. I hope this might help you navigate the complicated and difficult tsunami wave of gender identity issues that crash into our youth every single day at school. 

Please let me make it clear I am not talking about those who feel “born that way”, I am talking about those who along the way make choices about their sexual identity.

The choice to be  bi-curious or  bi-sexual is not a harmless trend, not a harmless contagion like the flu. It is more like a contagious poison to traditional marriage.   It can become a dopamine habit. It can rewire the brain, especially where masturbation and/or sexual climax is involved where a person becomes more attracted to the same gender than the opposite gender. With my whole heart i say this in the most emphatic language I can muster

Same gender attraction poisons traditional marriage.

Counseling Like the Savior on this topic can take many sessions, 

months of wisdom and reading the word of God, and will be some of the hardest work you ever do. 

In this day and age we must champion eternal marriage. Don’t skimp on any opportunity to talk up your marriage and tell your kid why you chose to be attracted to your spouse! In this podcast on one hand, Peyton had been molested and hated boys. But on the other hand, she had a heterosexual foundation of seeing a good marriage and good parents and dreamed of marriage. On one hand, she was being pressured and recruited to be bi-sexual. On the other hand, she had felt the Spirit enough in her life that  she was willing to listen to scripture. You might face a very different set of variables with your child or your client but the framework, the 4ws can still help you to be a loving listener and help them find their why..

Thank you all my dear friends for listening to Counsel like the Savior. Counsel like His Son. Help others on their way.