Jesus Suffered for me, Jesus Knows How to Help Me Alma 7:11-12

What do you say when your kid says, “I feel like I’m being bullied.  I try but I can’t stick up for myself.”

Today we’re going to talk about a Sister Dean who suffered emotional abuse on her mission.    This wisdom, word of God and why  applies to anyone who’s in a relationship where they are being controlled, manipulated or  taken advantage of.

Transcript

Hi, I’m Dr. Tracy Hogan McMillan. If you are listening to this as part of your Come Follow Me study, today I’m going to apply the idea of Christ taking on our afflictions in Alma 7:11 12 oh the danger of  delusional thinking in 3 ne 3:1

 Whether you are a parent or a counselor, we’ll discuss some remarkable mental health scriptures which prepare you to say the things Jesus would say and help the way Jesus would help. “Counseling Like the Savior.” and the 4W;’s are a therapy method I felt inspired to develop this year on my counseling mission in Chile, South America.

What do you say when your kid says, “I feel like I’m being bullied.  I try but I can’t stick up for myself.”

Today we’re going to talk about a Sister Dean who suffered emotional abuse on her mission.   Now remember that all her identifying information has been changed, just the important bits are true. This wisdom and scriptures apply to anyone who’s in a relationship where they are being controlled, taken advantage of, bullied.  And it’s really important for a parent to help their child see the signals and catch it quick and nip it in the bud before it becomes a problem, or my bet is she’ll end up marrying someone who might be controlling and abusive..

Sister Dean said that she had problems being a people pleaser.  She just wanted to make everyone happy and get along.  Sister Dean had a boyfriend in high school who made fun of her in front of their friends. She told him she didn’t like it. He didn’t stop, in fact, the criticism ramped up.    He just completely took advantage of her kind and peacemaker nature. She was so sweet that she just put up with it.

Sister Dean said, “I think it started in the Missionary Training Center. My companion would tell me she  didn’t like the way I chewed, didn’t like the way I slept and was so critical of so many things. One day she said,  You annoy me, I need a break from you.   I’d always change to make her happy.  I was just so easy going.

Once I got to Chile, I had a really good Latina trainer and then a Latina companion and we liked each other and accomplished so much.  But my third companion,  Sister Lopez was the beginning of the end of my self-esteem..  The Mission Leader told me that he was excited for me to get Sister Lopez, he basically thought of her as his daughter, she was hardworking and very close to God.  But that’s not the side I saw.  Sister Lopez quickly realized I was easy going and turned super controlling and then abusive. For instance, suggest an idea about how to do our schedule.   She’s tell me she was the senior companion and  I was stupid and we would never consider that idea.  We had to do everything her way   If I tried to talk to her about anything, she’d ramp up and be more abusive.  For instance she was always insulting me she’d say, Your hair looks ugly today.  I wasn’t used to that kind of criticism from my home, it hurt, but I tried to pretend it didn’t and  just shrug my shoulders so she’d start criticizing my clothes.  

Then she started to assassinate my character.  For instance we were eating lunch with the Relief Society President.  And sister Lopez had told her how much she hated me, I don’t even know what for.  I asked for the potatoes and I heard the RS president whisper to my companion “So this is what you have to put up with!”  My companion rolled her eyes like something was terribly wrong with me.   So I tried to talk to the children.  But the oldest daughter said, “Our mom doesn’t like it when we talk to you.” I felt worse than zero, like I had big contagious sores all over my face or something..

One of the things she was always telling the Mission President and the other missionaries was that I was such a rule breaker that it was hard for her to work.   The president called me four times saying I was staying up late, sleeping in, chewing gum, and  flirting with the elders.  None of these things were true.   I begged my Mission Leader for an emergency transfer.   I would try to explain to him that this was all her imagination and he’d defend her, “Sister Lopez is one of our best missionaries and she endures so much from you, you are lucky to have her.”

  I said, “Oh goodness, that sounds like a terrible situation.  I’ve been writing a list of these big worries and let me summarize..  It was bad enough to have your companion treat you so poorly, criticize you and speak badly of you to others, but you must have been so disappointed when the Mission Leader seemed to believe her.  That must have been terrible!  Give me some logic or wisdom on that piece of the problem.

She said, Well, first I was really shocked when the President didn’t believe me, then I started to doubt his inspiration and doubt him as a leader. I felt so conflicted.

Oh, I bet that was so difficult to believe in God and believe  your leader was called of God, but he didn’t believe you. Now for the controlling and abuse worry, let’s get some #2 Wisdom and we looked up Abuse on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Website. 

 “The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form” (General Handbook: Serving in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints [2020], 38.6.2).

What does that tell you sister Dean?  

She said, “It was just wrong for her to do it, and pretend to be such a good missionary, then it was wrong for the Mission Leader not to believe me or help me.  For instance, my companion  would tell me the apartment  had to be at 68 degrees and it was so cold I was huddling by the heater and she turned it colder. Then I got a call from the mission president telling me I had to work with my companion and agree on a temperature.

She could cat nap.   At night just as I fell asleep she’d wake me up to talk to me and keep me up super late.  The mission rule was to wake up at 6:30, she would set an alarm for 5:30,  I got so tired, the more tired I was, the more submissive I was.   And she would wake me up.  I’d fall asleep during the scripture study.  She’d slam her hand on the table to wake me up.  I was afraid she would hit me.   She knew I wouldn’t object, so she got meaner and meaner. 

She’d told so many hardcore untruths, my next two companions told me they were afraid to be companions with me and then when we were together, they were really surprised at how nice I was..

She was on an exchange, she asked for a blessing from one of the zone leaders because she felt I was abusing her, and an elder came up to me and asked me why I was so hard on sister Lopez. It wore me down to a nub.   I was barely functioning.   The hatred I experienced from the missionaries and the mission president.   I was so stressed out and I took the stress in my stomach and worried all night., It hurt all the time, so when I'd try to eat,  I would throw up every morning. I felt so rejected.  It was all so toxic. She would say the perfect things that hurt so deeply.  I had so many nightmares about her. 

I said, Oh my goodness Sister Dean.  What I’m hearing you say was that she turned the other missionaries against you until you felt despised.  Physically she controlled the environment in the apartment.  It was like you were worn so thin there wasn’t much left.

Tears were welling up in sister Deans’ eyes.  Physically I was a mess.  I  asked the mission nurse for a couple days off but Sister Lopez only let me rest until noon. If I tried to cat nap, she’d Jump scare me, yell at me and criticize me every day.  Then She lost her wallet and food card. She would blame me for stealing from her. I think the Lord started to get mad at her. It was like in the BoM how the wicked people had to sleep on their swords because everything they set down would disappear.    Of course she loved to drive and be in control. She went crazy and yelled at me for an hour because  without her wallet  and I had to drive. Everything was my fault.   She said she needed money from my card because she had lost hers.  She spent my money on my card.   So I had no money for food. She always blamed me for anything that went wrong..  

I said, “That must have been a terrible time in your life. . It must have been a living hell.” 

She nodded.   “It still affects me.  Part of me still thinks it was my fault.”

I said, “Can we try to help you heal?  Let’s throw some wisdom at it.  What’s the first piece of wisdom that comes to mind?” 

She said, “What she did was wrong.   She was a monster to me.”

That’s good.   Also from the church website search “victims of abuse” Tell me if your experience fits the definition of: Verbal or Emotional Abuse: 

A pattern of behavior in which one person deliberately and repeatedly attacks someone in nonphysical ways, such as harsh words, intimidation, manipulation, or humiliation. This causes a lowered sense of self-worth and dignity. Though it is not physical, this kind of abuse harms a person’s overall mental and emotional well-being.https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2020/10/youth/how-i-found-healing-from-sexual-abuse/if-youre-a-victim-of-abuse?lang=eng#title1

She said, “Yes. That’s me.”

I said, “You said your companion spread some horrible lies about you to everyone who would listen.  Wow, that was not very Christlike..   Lets discuss deception and delusional thinking.  Here’s some of the 3rd W or Words of God.”

I had her read 3 ne 3:1 Where Lachoneus the governor gets a letter from Giddianhi the leader of the Gadianton robbers and he flatters him and says, Oh noble governor 

We identified the of delusional statements (lies) and deception don't be stupid, 

our army is bigger and better, 

you’ve done us many wrongs, 

the government belongs to us, 

yield your army up unto us 

so we can recover our rights and join us in the Gadianton Robbers 

which we know to be good.  

 Lachoneus the Leader of the Nephites was astonished when he first got this letter 

and I bet you were astonished when she first started to say and do things that were so delusional, so untrue and irrational.  Don’t you get the feeling that this Gadianton Robber said these lies so many times that he actually believed them?    To apply 3 Ne 3:1-10  to you. Let’s make a list of the lies or delusions Sister Lopez thought or said or spread 

I was such a rule breaker that it was hard for her to work.  

• I was staying up late,
•  I was chewing gum, 
• I was flirting with the Elders and 
• I was sleeping in. 
• That I was lucky to have her.”
• That she had the right to control the temperature so I would freeze
• That she had the right to take my food card and spend all my money.
• That she had the right to wait until I fell asleep and then she’d start talking to keep me awake 
• And she had the right to turn on the alarm at 5:30 an hour ahead of schedule to make me more sleep deprived
• That she had the right to give me harsher treatment
• That she had the right to criticize me
• I’m to blame for anything that went wrong

Now that we have her statements and  beliefs written down, don’t they look kind of crazy to you?  Delusional thinking?  

Sister Dean said, “Yes, and do think she said them so many times, she started to believe herself.  The biggest lie was that she was a Christlike missionary, and I was Satan’s spawn.”

I said, to quote President Russell M Nelson, 

“Sisters, ….We need your ability as women to detect deception and to articulate truth. We need your inspired wisdom….”

What is inspired wisdom about your experience?

She said, “That I am a good person and I am a good missionary, I wasn’t to blame.  I did nothing wrong.  But my companion was really evil.  She was like a pit bull, she put her fangs into my neck because she saw someone who was weak and easy to overpower., She Systematically got control of everything, eating, sleeping, temperature, our schedule and who liked me.  I think that’s why I’m still so angry at my Mission Leader for not listening to me, not helping me.”

I said, ”Yes, that must have been awful.  I found this on the website. Elder Scott said. “Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser. Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts.”

Was that true for you.  

She said, Oh yes, she was so good at acting.  I hated watching her make everyone believe she had super missionary powers.  No one had a clue what she was really like.”

 Elder Scott also says this about abuse, “Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue (her) abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to …. Church authorities.  ….. act now to avail yourself of the healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”

Sister Dean, ”What is the spirit saying to you?  What could you do to get church leaders to help you, to avail yourself of the healing power of Jesus?”

She said, “Two things, I think to heal I’m going to have to write a letter to my mission leader.  I feel like I should give him the opportunity to know the truth and apologize for not believing me.  And find out more about the healing power of Jesus.”

  Yes because you are valuable and important enough that it’s worth fixing this, fixing yourself.   Oh I’d love if you brought that letter  to session next week.Read this and put your name in

Alma 7:11 12 And Jesus shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith Jesus will take upon him my pains and my sicknesses 

12 And Jesus will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of  my death which bind me; and he will take upon him my infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor me in my infirmities weakness, challenges, problems.

How does this apply to you?

She said, “Because Jesus was rejected, beaten and abused here on earth, and because he saw me and my problems when he prayed in the garden of gethsemane, he understands me and he loves me, me knows how to help me because he felt the exact same feelings when he knelt in the Garden”..

So lets’ do Step 4  Why.  Let me help you find your why.  Why work on the letter to the mission leader and why work on getting the Healing Power of Jesus?I wrote   Why Heal at the top of the list  so she could put them where she could read them every day.

#1. So I can get better, so I can get my self confidence back.

#2. So I can learn to stand up for myself so this will never happen again

#3. So I can be free from all this hatred, maybe even  forgive someday

#4. So I can fix my trust in people.  I shy away from relationships now.   I certainly can’t be in a relationship with a guy with my trust broken like this.

You might face a very different set of variables with your child or your client  who is being abused, but the framework to help, the 4ws can still help you to be a loving listener and help them find their why.

And changing your child’s thoughts and beliefs about herself can take a long time.  She didn't just believe she was a piece of crap overnight.  It might take many sessions to give her the confidence to speak up, to defend herself, to leave.   I remember when I was working with battered women I had to have patience.  It can take 8 times before a battered woman leaves for good.

Thank you all my dear friends for listening to Counsel like the Savior. Counsel like His Son. Help others on their way.